I didn’t gloat two weeks ago when I went 4-0, because I knew that I could come crashing back to Earth at any moment. Last week was my Armageddon asteroid week. 0-4. Zero and Four. I’m now 4-4 on the year.
Hand up, I fucked up. I took the Panthers, Texans, Saints, and Giants, THEY’RE NOT BAD! I don’t know what else I can say. If you want me to say I fucked up, I fucked up. Write it.
Except don’t write it. I’ll write it. Last week went as follows:
Carolina Panthers (+6) @ Atlanta Falcons LOSS
Houston Texans (-2.5) @ Tennessee Titans LOSS
Cleveland Browns @ New Orleans Saints (-9.5) LOSS
New York Giants (+3) @ Dallas Cowboys LOSS
Howeva, I made some scratch back again in DraftKings. I tripled up again led by Patrick Mahomes. I paid up for Antonio Brown, which ended up being a bad deal. Luckily, Zach Ertz and Chris Godwin were both barely owned and combined for 37 points. Hot tip for the future – start whichever RB is up against the Bills.
Alright, it’s a make or break week but I really do like these picks:
Indianapolis Colts (+7) @ Philadelphia Eagles
The triumphant Son and Lord and Savior of Philadelphia is returning this week to an Eagles team that is completely barren at the skills positions.
Jay Ajayi, Darren Sproles and Mike Wallace are all out this week. Alshon Jeffery is listed as questionable but he hasn’t even been cleared for contact yet. 3rd string RB Corey Clement ($4,300) injured his quad at practice Friday. That means that Wendell Smallwood ($3,000) may be thrust into a starting role on Sunday. Not the ideal backfield situation for an Eagles team that probably wants to minimize Carson Wentz’s risks in his first week back from his ACL injury.
Andrew Luck ($5,600) is in a great spot against an Eagles secondary that allows over 300 yards per game through the air. TY Hilton ($6,700) has scored a TD in consecutive games and it looks like he’ll be a matchup nightmare on Sunday. Eric Ebron ($3,400) has developed a rapport with Andrew Luck as he has scored in consecutive weeks as well.
I don’t necessarily think that the Colts will spoil Carson Wentz’s homecoming but I do believe that the game will be decided by a field goal or less.
Denver Broncos (+5.5) @ Baltimore Ravens
I don’t understand how the Ravens are the favorite in this game. I think they’re being given the benefit of the doubt after their dismantling of the Bills in Week 1. They looked pretty bad at times against the Bengals last week, especially in the secondary. Case Keenum is an absolute wildcard at QB for the Broncos, but Emmanuel Sanders ($6,400) has been a monster this season ever since being moved to the slot. He has become a matchup nightmare, and if the Ravens spotlight him, Demaryius Thomas ($5,200) can still advance the ball outside (if he catches it).
The Broncos secondary isn’t what it once was but they still have Chris Harris Jr at corner. He’ll most likely be on Michael Crabtree, and don’t be surprised if some chain-snatching goes on. There’s a lot of bad blood between those two, it just gets overshadowed by how Aqib Talib would always go above and beyond.
Joe Flacco throws a ton of 50/50 balls downfield that often result in pass-interference calls. John Brown ($4,800) has emerged as Flacco’s favorite deep threat. He’s as healthy as ever and as shifty as ever, but if the Broncos can manage to contain him, Von Miller and the Denver front 7 will be able to handle the rest.
New York Giants @ Houston Texans (-6)
Believe it or not, the Giants will miss Eli Apple this week.
The Giants got torched by Tavon Austin last week. TAVON AUSTIN. Will Fuller ($5,900) is in a huge spot against an injured and beatable Giants secondary. Deshaun Watson ($6,100) looked better last week despite showing negative awareness on the last play of the game:
This is a huge bounce back spot for the Texans after their embarrassing loss in Tennessee to former coach Mike Vrabel and backup QB Blaine Gabbert. The right side (honestly the entire line) of the Giants offensive line is horrendous and the Texans are finally healthy across the board. I said JJ Watt and Jadeveon Clowney would eat last week, but now I reallllllly mean it.
New England Patriots (-6.5) @ Detroit Lions
Both the Patriots and the Lions have the stench of Matt Patricia on their teams which means that defense doesn’t exist. The Patriots will try to stick it to Patricia for leaving, and Patricia will try to stick it to the Pats for talking all that shit about his defense.
I don’t expect a whole lot out of Josh Gordon this week (or in general) but his presence alone will require the Lions to spend valuable time preparing for what he’s capable of.
Bill Belichick is 14-8 against former assistants and you won’t catch me dead betting against him after a loss to Jacksonville last week.
The Lions give up 39 points per game and the Patriots give up 25. The stars are aligning for a shootout on Sunday Night Football. I think coaching prevails.
That’s it. Don’t throw your money away, come ride with me.
Onto the Survivor Pool. I took the Chargers last week who coasted to an 11-point victory against the Bills. Keep attacking the Bills. They’re all either getting hurt or retiring. This week, the Minnesota Vikings are -16.5 against the Bills. Don’t overthink it, pick the Vikings in your pool. Next are the Jaguars -9.5 against the Titans, Rams -7 against the Chargers, Patriots -7 against the Bills, and Eagles -7 against the Colts. I tend to avoid divisional matchups so I’d be hesitant to pick the Jags against the Titans..
- Minnesota Vikings
- New England Patriots
- Los Angeles Rams
- Jacksonville Jaguars
- Chicago Bears
- Houston Texans
My Pick: Minnesota Vikings
Start ‘Em Sit ‘Em
- Quitting while you’re ahead >>>>>>. When the going gets tough, just go. Vontae the Gawd.
- Watching Oregon’s Justin Herbert if your team sucks (Giants). 6’6″ and can do it all with both his arm and his legs.
- Troy Aikman in your Clap Back league:
- Kickers. It’s a huge bounce back week for kickers. They can’t really go anywhere but up from last week.
- Latavius Murray. He’s filling in for Dalvin Cook against the Bills. 700 yards 5 TDs coming at you live.
- Josh Gordon – Randy Moss comparisons. That ain’t it, Chief.
- Cleveland. All of Cleveland. Quarantine that city. From eating horse shit off the streets to catching rodents in their stadiums, Cleveland needs to sit one out.
- Tourism in Buffalo. Jordan Matthews is lucky he’s out of Buffalo before he fielded his own Matthews starting 5 out of sheer boredom.
There you have it. It’s officially Fall so Football is back back. Extra back. Now let me listen to Kenny in this dusty room.