Just like that, the penultimate season of Game of Thrones has come and gone. We had damn near every character still alive in one scene, characters were reuniting left and right, siblings continued to feud, and finally we had an impressive performance from the impending doom up North. This was the longest episode of all time, so I’ll spare you the cutesy shit up here and get right into it:

 

King’s Landing

Grey Worm stands in front of the Unsullied outside of King’s Landing after their long march across Westeros. Bronn and Jaime are onlooking from the edge of the castle while Lannister troops prepare for a possible defense. The troops are rolling around barrels of pitch, which is a hot liquid similar to oil that could be used to either dump on soldiers or sent via catapult. At first, I thought it was Wildfire again and Grey Worm’s life flashed in front of my eyes. Jaime and Bronn have some good old fashioned cock talk until they hear a trumpet that announces the Dothraki’s presence. Bronn tells Jaime, “I think we’re about to be the downtrodden.”

Euron’s fleet is anchored in the bay while a handful of Targaryen boats make their way past it. The Hound appears to have at least somewhat overcome his fear of fire and replaces it with the dead as he takes a lantern below deck to nervously check on their prisoner.

Cersei, Jaime, and Qyburn are preparing to meet their foes in the Dragonpit, but first Cersei tells the Mountain that, “if anything goes wrong, kill the silver-haired bitch first, then our brother, then the bastard who calls himself King.”

Tyrion leads the group of Jon, Jorah, Davos, Missandei, Varys, etc and they explain that they are on their way to the Dragonpit, where the Targaryens used to keep all their dragons. Jorah explained that they had to do so because the dragons could not live side-by-side with people, their food, and their children. Dany had already run into similar problems with letting her dragons roam free in Meereen during Season 4:

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Tyrion’s group runs into a group led by Bronn, which includes Podrick and Brienne. As Tyrion and Pod catch up, Bronn yells over, “come on, you can suck his magic cock later.” Lets never forget when the whores from King’s Landing gave Podrick back the money Tyrion paid them because they were overly satisfied by his performance.

Brienne falls back to talk to the Hound after he politely tells a Lannister soldier to fuck off. Brienne shoved the Hound off a cliff in Season 4, so she was surprised to see him alive. They talk about Arya like two bitter divorced parents that would rip each other’s eyes out if it weren’t for their successful little daughter. Bronn and Tyrion share some more banter and they finally get to the Dragonpit.

The Meeting

Bronn excuses himself from the good guys and brings Podrick along with him to grab a drink. I thought they were all doomed for a second. Who knows where else Wildfire is in King’s Landing. Brienne, Jorah, Tyrion and the Hound give nervous looks around the area as there is no sign of any Lannisters besides the dozen or so (expendable) soldiers around them. Alas, the Mountain leads Cersei’s gang into the Dragonpit, where he and the Hound see each other for the first time since I believe Season 1 when they nearly fought to the death. It’s been a long awaited fantasy for these two to finish what they started when they were kids, but today is not that day. By the way the Mountain looks fucking heinous.

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Soon after Cersei breaks the awkward silence wondering where Daenerys is, she predictably shows up on Drogon. Predictable, but awesome nonetheless.

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Right when we think we’re gonna get into the nitty gritty, Euron interrupts Tyrion to tell Theon that if he doesn’t submit right then and there, he’s going to kill Yara. Tyrion tries to get the conversation back to where it needs to be and Euron makes a short joke. Tyrion looks over at Theon and asks, “Do you remember when we discussed dwarf jokes?” “His wasn’t even good” Theon replied. “He explained it at the end. Never explain it. It ruins it.” Tyrion remarks. Very sound advice for anybody thinking about going into the stand-up comedy business. Jaime and Cersei finally step in and tell Euron to let the adults speak.

With Tyrion’s family feud starting to sputter, Jon steps up and gives his elevator pitch to Cersei. The Hound decides that the easiest way to bring the chest containing the wight is to carry it like a pack mule (while there are available pack mules around the corner) and awkwardly slide it off his back while falling to a knee. Nevertheless, he eventually unlocks 8 locks and kicks over the chest, revealing the wight to a shocked crowd. So shocked in fact, that the wight would have had a solid 3-4 blows on Cersei before the Mountain or Jaime could come to protect her. The Hound yanks on a chain attached to the wight and slices it in half with his sword. Both halves of its body continue to move, and you can almost see Qyburn’s boner as he gets out of his chair to get a closer look.

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Jon explains to everybody that the only way to kill a wight is by fire or dragonglass, and Cersei is visibly shook. “There is only one war that matters. The Great War. And it is here.” Jon tells Cersei.

Euron approaches the now dead wight and caresses it’s hair, maybe because it somewhat resembles Balon Greyjoy, Euron’s own brother that he murdered? “Can they swim?” Euron asks Jon, because I truly think Euron was afraid that Balon’s corpse was going to come and get him. Remember this is how Euron murdered Balon in Season 6:

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Anyways Euron says fuck this and that he’s going to take his fleet back to the Iron Islands so he can wait out the impending doom. He advises that Daenerys do the same so he can finally give her his self-proclaimed big cock in a perverse Noah’s Ark type of way.

Cersei agrees to the truce to fight the impending doom but has her lawyers look at the contract to add a “Jon needs to remain as an impartial 3rd party in the North clause.” Jon declines like an IDIOT and verbally bends the knee again to Dany. Even Dany is like dude come on just do it. Cersei gets pissed and ends the meeting, wishing Jon good luck as the North will be attacked first.

Brienne grabs Jaime and tells him “fuck loyalty!” That’s a huge line from probably the most loyal person in the entire show. Cersei turns around to see Jaime talking to another woman with short blonde hair and you already know she’ll bring that one up later.

Lannister Family Reunion

Once again there is a communication error regarding a Stark with Tyrion telling Cersei that he didn’t know that Jon had sworn allegiance to Dany before the meeting. Tyrion tries to tell Cersei that he’s not as bad as she thinks he is, revealing to her that he talked Daenerys out of attacking King’s Landing because he never has or will intend to destroy their family. Tyrion finally asks Cersei to order the Mountain to kill him. Despite all Tyrion has done to her and her family, Cersei cannot. Tyrion guzzles a glass of wine and pours another for himself and Cersei as he sits back down. Cersei doesn’t touch the wine, and clutches her stomach while talking to Tyrion. “You’re pregnant” Tyrion puts it together.

Dragonpit

Jon and Daenerys are talking back in the Dragonpit while examining some tiny old dragon skulls. Dany brings it up again that she can’t have children, and tells Jon its because the witch that murdered Khal Drogo told her so. “Has it occurred to you she might not have been a reliable source of information?” Jon asks her, echoing a question that I think everybody on the planet has been asking at home.

Tyrion returns to the Dragonpit, soon followed by Cersei and her posse. Cersei announces that she will in fact march her troops North to fight the Great War, and that “perhaps you’ll remember I chose to help with no promises or assurances from any of you.”

Winterfell

Sansa finally gets word from Jon that he has bent the knee to Daenerys. Sansa is mad again and Weasel fuck Littlefinger is back in the room with her. He proposes that perhaps Jon and Dany will get married. Littlefinger tries to get in Sansa’s head about Arya’s intentions by suggesting they play a game called assume the worst. Why would Arya come back? Why would she steal the letter? Sansa comes to the conclusion that it could be for Arya to murder her, have a reason why, and to become the Lady of Winterfell.

Dragonstone

Jon and Daenerys decide that it would look best to the Northers if the two travel together. It was like when you’re with a girl at the bar and you tell your friends that you’ll catch up with them later. Everybody knows what’s gonna happen so you just say yeah yeah see you later. Except once again Jorah is getting cucked.

Jon and Davos leave the War Room when Theon runs out to talk to Jon. Theon goes on a mini rant about being conflicted between being a Greyjoy or a Stark. “You don’t need to choose. You’re a Greyjoy. And you’re a Stark.” Jon drops the line of the episode because he’s going to have to come to that same realization when he finds out his true heritage. He has to embody being both a Stark and a Targaryen when the time comes. Theon tells Jon that Yara was the only one that tried to rescue him from Ramsey, and now it is his time to return the favor.

Theon heads to the beaches where Harrag is loading up the boats to leave Dragonstone and go to a small eastern island so they can kill the men and take their wives. Theon says fuck that we’re saving Yara, but Harrag is having none of it and nearly beats Theon to death. Theon gets up one last time and falls into Harrag, who gives Theon a swift knee to the (lack of) nuts. I guess that was the kickstart Theon needed and suddenly he went apeshit on Harrag’s face. It looked like when Brad Pitt was bleeding profusely onto Lou’s face in Fight Club while screaming maniacally combined with Ed Norton beating the shit out of the super blonde dude. Theon gets back to his feet and suddenly all the men are back on his team. The Theon Greyjoy Redemption Tour lives to see another day. Naval battle part 2 next season?

Winterfell II

Sansa is brooding in the snow and has Arya brought in to the Great Hall. Sansa begins to hold court as Arya stands before her and brings up charges for murder and treason until….BAM she points her little fingers at Littlefinger instead. He’s shaking in his boots but denies the charges, citing that nobody has seen anything that he is being charged of doing. Until, “you held a knife to his (Ned’s) throat. You said ‘I did warn you not to trust me'” Bran finally has his mic drop moment. Trust the Process indeed.

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Sansa has her own mic drop moment when she quotes Littlefinger from earlier in the episode, and after he falls to his knees begging for his life, Arya adds one to her already impressive kill count on the season.

King’s Landing II

Cersei enters the map room to see Jaime planning the expedition up North with his generals. She calls him aside and tells him that no way in Hell are they helping in the Great War. The classic double heel turn. Jaime is having none of this and the two argue over honor and nobility and Jaime brings up a lot of good points about being absolutely screwed no matter who the enemy ends up being. Then Cersei drops the bombshell that Euron’s cowardly exit was all a part of their plan to get him over to Essos to pay for the Golden Company. Right after saying that nobody ever walks away from her, Jaime attempts to do so, and The Mountain is waiting. Jaime then pulls a Tyrion and asks Cersei to order the Mountain to kill him, but says, “I don’t believe you” and walks out after Cersei doesn’t immediately do so. The Mountain unsheathed his sword and I damn near shit me-self. Jaime leaves King’s Landing by himself just as the first snowflakes land. Winter is Here.

Incestion Inception

Samwell arrives at Winterfell and stops in to say hi to Bran. Samwell’s face says it all when Bran starts to explain that he has become the Three-Eyed Raven.

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Bran tells Sam that Jon and Daenerys are on their way to Winterfell now, and Sam excitedly asks if he saw that in a vision. Instead, Bran waves a little note presumably from Jon. Bran tells Sam that he needs to tell Jon that he is actually the son of Rhaegar Targaryen and Lyanna Stark, and since he was born in Dorne, his last name would be Sand instead of Snow. Samwell recalls the scripture Gilly started to read and asks Bran if he could go back in a vision and see if Jon was actually a child from a legitimate marriage. Bran watches the wedding between Rhaegar and Lyanna and besides the fact that Rhaegar looks exactly like Viserys Targaryen, Bran realizes that Robert’s Rebellion was built on a lie.” As creepy weird Bran talks about this relationship, Jon knocks on Daenerys’ door on the boat, while creepy weird Tyrion watches from the hallway.

Bran finds out that Jon’s real name is Aegon Targaryen. He shares the name with old Maestor Aemon’s younger brother, nicknamed “The Unlikely.” As soon as we get visual confirmation that Jon and Daenerys are in fact 100% related, we get visual confirmation that Jon is 100% penetrating Daenerys. For those of you counting at home, Dany is Jon’s Aunt. Bran points out that Jon is the heir to the Iron Throne. Those two factors may complicate a thing or two. Meanwhile, Tyrion watches:

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Winterfell III

Arya and Sansa are talking about what they just pulled with Littlefinger and their dialogue reflects a stark difference between what they did and what their father did. In Season 1, Episode 1, Eddard Stark told Bran that the man who passes the sentence should swing the sword. However with Arya and Sansa, Sansa tells Arya, “you did it” to which Arya responds, “you passed the sentence.”

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Eastwatch

Just when you thought that maybe this season would have a happy ending, Eastwatch by the Sea is shown. Bran wargs into some ravens to see what’s good and we see Tormund and Beric holding it down at the Wall. As they look out towards the forest, the impending doom makes their way forward, giants and all. They finally stop, and that all too familiar screech sound is heard. The Night King shows up riding Viserion, who despite being all tattered up can now fly fast as lightning and blow blue flames that seem more powerful than ever. The Wall goes down without much of a fight and the White Walkers finally make their way through.

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Tormund’s and Beric’s fates are not revealed, but it is possible that they made it far along down the Wall to eventually make it to Castle Black to warn everybody. It’s also entirely possible that they both fell to their deaths and will be next seen with blue eyes.

 

 

When will that be? Nobody is sure yet, and even with only 6 episodes left to be filmed, there are rumors that Season 8 won’t be ready to be aired until 2019. Until then, I think I’m going to grow out my beard, hit the gym harder, get a little tan, and try to get on the show as a Dothraki badass.

For those of you that just started reading my shit for Game of Thrones recaps, I invite you to continue reading as I #StickToSports for the next few months. If not, I’m looking forward to next season, whenever that may be. Never forget, valar morghulis and fuck Littlefinger.