This episode of Game of Thrones was so crazy that it made crazy episodes of Game of Thrones seem not crazy. I’m still at a loss for words but I’m a man of the people and will try my best.

 

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How about the episode starting off with this visual of fire beyond The Wall. That’s what they call foreshadowing, folks.

Beyond The Wall

The Suicide Squad of the 7 noteworthy men and 3 or so other men dragging a sled are walking beyond the wall with the mission of capturing a Wight. “I can breathe again. Down South the air smells like pig shit” Tormund tells Jon and Gendry, to which Jon replies that he’s only been to Winterfell. They argue over what’s North and what’s South while Gendry freezes his balls off. After Gendry asks Jon and Tormund how they stayed warm all their lives, Tormund tells Gendry that fucking is the best way to stay warm and that they’ve got to make due with what they’ve got when the only women are hundreds of miles away. Gendry immediately joins the less weird people in the back of the line. Tormund then asks Jon about Daenerys and Jon tells him that she’ll only help if he bends the knee. Tormund brings up Mance Rayder and wonders aloud, “how many of his people died for his pride?”

The banter continues back in the line with Gendry, Thoros, Beric, and The Hound. The Brotherhood sold Gendry to Melisandre in Season 3 and Gendry is still bitter about the whole slavery/rape/leech/imprisonment thing and ‘whinges’ to the trio. I for one learned a new word, as The Hound all but gave the country of origin for the word “whinging.”

Jon and Jorah then walk besides one another as they talk about Jorah’s father, Jeor. Jeor was the Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch when Jon was there and Jon avenged his death by killing the men that killed him. He was also given the Mormont family sword, Longclaw (which is Valyrian steel) after he fought off a Wight in Castle Black. Jon offers the sword back to Jorah, but he refuses and says that he ought to pass the sword down to his own children one day….more on that later.

Winterfell

Arya and Sansa bicker some more. Every season has one plot line that kind of sucks (Arya’s faceless man training, Bran’s three eyed raven training, Dorne, Sam & Gilly) and this definitely takes the cake this season. Arya tells a story about their father then takes out the letter she found in Littlefinger’s chambers. She basically did the equivalent of ironically retweeting an old tweet from Trump. “I remember you standing on that platform with Joffrey and Cersei when they dragged Father to the block.” Arya tells Sansa, except……

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Sansa had to be restrained. I wish these two would just sit down and talk it all out.

Sansa is getting a little power hungry and Arya can spot it. She is mostly afraid of Arya showing her old letter to the Northern Lords, including Lyanna Mormont, who is younger than Sansa was at the time she wrote that letter.

Beyond The Wall II

Tormund and The Hound finally get to engage in some banter. I’ve been waiting for this moment for years. The Hound tells Tormund that he hates gingers, to which he responds, “we’re kissed by fire, just like you!” and points to The Hound’s face. The Hound then continues his Teach Across Westeros tour and teaches Tormund a synonym for cock, which is dick. “Dick, I like it.” Tormund says. “I bet you do.” The Hound replies. Tormund then goes on about how he can’t wait to return to his lady and starts describing her features to The Hound. He stops in his tracks and says Brienne of fucking Tarth. Brienne nearly killed The Hound in Season 4 over custody of Arya.

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Tormund says that he wants to make babies with Brienne so that they could conquer the world and now suddenly that’s all I want as well.

Jon and Beric talk about coming back from the dead and what the Lord of Light may have in store for them. Beric has a cool callback and mentions meeting Ned Stark when he was Hand of the King in Season 1, although a different actor played him at the time. Despite fighting an enemy that always wins in the end in death, Beric tells Jon that they will fight for those who cannot. “I am the shield that guards the realms of men” Jon says, which is a part of the Night’s Watch oath.

Dragonstone

Daenerys and Tyrion are talking shop in the war room and Tyrion points out the obvious that Jon is in love with her. Dany looks away into the fire but is totally pumped. Tyrion brings up succession and how they will decide who will rule after Daenerys eventually takes the Iron Throne and dies, since she cannot have children. “We will discuss the succession after I wear the crown.” Dany replies to Tyrion.

Beyond the Wall III

Motherfucking wight polar bears! What’s next, wight penguins? Beric lands a blow from his flaming sword on a bear and it comes face to face with The Hound.

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The Hound is SHOOK and Thoros just pushes him out of the way in time, only to find himself underneath the polar bear. We then see the best mauling scene since The Revenant:

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Jorah stabs the bear with some dragonglass and Beric cauterizes Thoros’ wounds with his flaming sword.

Weasel Fuck Littlefinger

Sansa is still freaking out about how weird her siblings are and talks to Littlefinger about her situation. He lies about the letter and suggests that Brienne help since she is honor bound to protect both Stark girls. Something is fishy about some of the phrasing Littlefinger had….almost as if it isn’t actually him. Did Arya kill him to use his face to see what Sansa’s true intentions are?

Beyond the Wall IV

Tormund’s leading the good guys up a mountain and hears some clanging down below. Sure enough, it’s a White Walker leading a group of a dozen or so wights. The good guys set up and ambush and when Jon kills the White Walker, all but one of the wights shatter into a million pieces. The men circle the wight until Tormund says fuck it and lands a right hook, knocking it to the ground. Dude looked like Conor McGregor next Saturday. The Hound jumps on the wight to tie it up and it unleashes a piercing screech that I assume notified the rest of the impending doom that shit was going down. The Hound accidentally rips off half of the wight’s face and Jorah has an A1 reaction:

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Seal Team 7 ties up the wight and Jon tells Gendry to run back to Eastwatch to send a raven to Daenerys. “You’re the fastest” Jon tells him, even though they just met one episode ago. Seal Team 6 now runs away and comes across a frozen lake. They get to an island in the middle and luckily enough for them, one of the unimportant people in their crew gets tackled, breaking the ice. Meanwhile, Gendry is Forrest Gump’ing up mountains and through snow like its nothing. Davos is there at the gates of Eastwatch and they send the SOS raven to Dany.

Seal Team 7 6 5 wakes up to find Thoros dead. The Hound takes a swig of his rum that he refused to drink in Episode 1, and Jon pours the rest on Thoros before Beric burns his body to prevent him from becoming a wight. They then strategize their escape and the idea of killing the Night King is brought up. They believe that killing him will make the rest of the impending doom shatter into a million piece just as it happened before.

Winterfell II

Sansa gets a raven inviting her to King’s Landing. This is presumably for the wight exhibit. Sansa delegates Brienne to go, much to her dismay. More importantly, Sansa completely went against what Littlefinger suggested.

Dragonstone II

“You can’t! The most important person in the world can’t fly off to the most dangerous place in the world.” Tyrion pleads for Dany to stay in Dragonstone, but Dany has her mind set and takes her dragons North. Daenerys is rocking her away game white uniform for her trip up North. She’s like the Oakland Raiders; black at home, silver on the road.

Beyond the Wall V

The Hound shows off his rocket arm that would make Yoenis Cespedes proud and hits a wight with a rock right in the jaw. He picks up a second, larger rock to finish off the job and throws it way short instead. It skids all the way across the lake, and the jawless wight slowly makes his way towards Seal Team 5. It seemed like the wight had a bit of a personality/consciousness, which is definitely interesting.

And how about fuckin’ Jorah? Thousands of wights are about to cross the lake and you’ve got dudes next to you wielding battle axes, war hammers, your own family’s sword, and you just pull out 2 little daggers? You don’t bring a dagger to a wight fight. I get that they’re dragonglass but maybe get a dragonglass sword dude. You can’t be fighting thousands of zombies in close-range combat like that and expect to survive.

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Fighting ensued and this was almost the worst episode of all time as Tormund was slowly being dragged into the lake. The Hound was able to save him just in time. Jon starts doing his slo-mo “accepting his fate” thing when suddenly…..

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Our favorite beasts show up and fuck everybody up. Couldn’t they have just killed the White Walkers though and ended it all? Jon goes to grab Dany’s hand to get on Drogon but instead decides to go on a wight rampage. The Night King grabs an ice spear and  throws it javelin style at Viserion, killing him. I tossed the jav around a little bit in high school and I can say that the Night King’s form was impeccable. You want to align the javelin with your arms and hold it at about a 29 degree angle. The issue with the Night King’s throw was in the follow through. If he drove his lower body into the throw then he could’ve been 2-2 in killing the dragons, as well as killing/stranding most of Seal Team 5 & Daenerys.

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After Viserion goes down into the abyss, Jon sees the Night King getting ready to wind up for round 2 and he yells for Daenerys to leave. As Jon runs to get on Drogon in time, he is tackled by a hoard of wights and they all fall into the frozen lake. Dany and Seal Team 4 now barely avoid the ice spear and fly off with their wight specimen intact, nearly losing Jorah along the way. This reminds me of Season 6 Episode 4, when Daario and Jorah were looking for Daenerys in the Dosh khaleen and Daario told Jorah, “I don’t think you could ride the dragon. 20 years ago, maybe.”  

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Jon emerges from the frozen lake but is in bad shape and probably has minutes to live when Uncle Benjen Stark shows up on his horse with his badass fireball weapon. Benjen showed up in a similar situation to save Bran and Meera from certain death in Season 6 (the Hodor episode) and explained to Bran that the three-eyed raven summoned him to save them. So my guess is that Bran is really starting to hone his powers and was able to get the message to Benjen to save Jon right in time. Not sure why Benjen couldn’t just hop on the horse with Jon but whatever.

Eastwatch

Beric tells The Hound that they’ll meet again, which is good news for Seal Team 4 enthusiasts. Dany’s brooding at the top of the Wall wondering if Jon will ever return from war. Alas, Jon rides in nearly dead, just like when he came back to the Wall after Ygritte shot him with 3 arrows in Season 3. They toss Jon on the boat, take off his frozen clothes, and Dany sees his stab wounds on his chest and stomach for the first time. She makes no comment but it is understood that she takes notice.

Winterfell III

Sansa snoops around in Arya’s room and finds her Facebook. Walder Frey is the 2nd face Sansa pulls out before Arya enters the room. She acts creepy and grabs the Catspaw dagger while slowly approaching Sansa. She says that all she needs to do to wear pretty dresses and be the Lady of Winterfell is take Sansa’s face. She gets right in front of Sansa with the dagger but instead hands it over to her. Fuck that scene made me sweat nervously.

Boats Boats Boats

Jon wakes up to Daenerys sitting on his bed looking at him. I couldn’t imagine a better way to wake up. “The dragons are my children. They’re the only children I’ll ever have. Do you understand?” Daenerys drops this bombshell on Jon as soon as he wakes up from his mini coma. But this basically confirms that these two are gonna bang/marry/have more dragon babies. It’s definitely not an accident that Jorah and Jon talked about passing Longclaw down to Jon’s children in the same episode that Dany told Jon that she is unable to have any children AND the same episode that Tyrion brought up succession. Maybe Dany will let Jon have a bastard son like himself that will one day be King.

Jon calls Daenerys ‘Dany’ to which she is taken off guard by, and Jon corrects himself by calling her “my Queen.” Consider his knee bent.

Blue-Eyes Wight Dragon

The White Walkers found 200-yard chains and swam to the bottom of the frozen lake to attach the ends to Viserion apparently. The Night King places his hand on Viserion’s snout and….

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Fuckkkkkkk.

 

Next Week

The Unsullied are standing in formation outside King’s Landing. Euron’s fleet it docked in Blackwater Bay outside King’s Landing. Tyrion, Varys, Theon, and some Dothraki are on a ship on their way to King’s Landing. The Dothraki ride in behind the Unsullied outside King’s Landing. Jaime and Bronn watch the Dothraki arrive from behind the castle walls. Sansa walks alone around Winterfell. Theon falls to the ground at what looks like Dragonstone (RIP Yara?). Jon and Podrick (lol) lead Tyrion, Davos, Jorah, Theon, Brienne, and some Dothraki into the Dragonpit. Cersei arrives at the Dragonpit. “There is only one war that matters. And it is here.” Jon says, and the trailer ends. Noticeably absent from the trailer is Daenerys. Probably gonna flex some dragon muscle and show up fashionably late riding Drogon.

Next week’s episode is something like 87 minutes so buckle up. Last year’s season finale involved the Great Sept of Baelor and everybody in it getting blown up by Cersei, so who knows what’s in store for this season finale. Until next time – Valar Morghulis.