Listen I’m on vacation so I’m gonna keep this short and simple. The last thing I’d want to do is let you all down. This week’s episode, “Eastwatch” was all filler no killer, so I can only imagine how disappointed Sum 41 is. The next two episodes are 71 and 81 minutes long, so I’ll let them slide with this shorter and somewhat uneventful episode trusting that the final episodes will bring the HEAT. Lets get into what happened this week:

Jaime and Bronn

Last week’s episode ended with Bronn tackling Jaime into the deepest river of all time, with Jaime sinking into the abyss as the screen faded to black. After a week of speculation, Game of Thrones quickly answers our burning question of whether or not the duo survived with Jaime and Bronn resurfacing well downstream away from the battlefield.

“You could’ve killed me.” Jaime tells a befuddled Bronn. Bronn shits on Jaime for attacking Daenerys while she was standing next to a dragon and tells him that nobody is allowed to kill him until he gets what he is owed (a castle, a lady, and some land). “That was only one of them. She has two more.” a shook Jaime says.

Bend the Knee

Tyrion is walking through the battlefield and he does not have the face of a man who just won a battle. He certainly looks more horrified. Similar to what Dickon Tarly said last episode, Tyrion knew, hungout, and even battled with the very men he ‘fought’ against last week. Anyways, how’s this for a visual?

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The Dothraki lead the remaining Tarly and Lannister soldiers to meet Dany like lambs to the slaughter. Dany tells the men that they have the option to join her and bend the knee, or die. When she says “or die” Tyrion gives a slight look towards her which spoke a thousand words. At first, maybe 1 out of every 10 men bend the knee. It looked like the 2016 San Francisco 49ers sideline during the National Anthem. Then Drogon was like fuck this shit and let out a roar, to which the troops resembled more of a Miami Dolphins game.

Two of the remaining standing men are Randyll and Dickon Tarly. Randyll has his last words with Dany and accepts his death sentence with honor. Dickon pipes up and says that he’ll have to be killed as well. Both Randyll and Tyrion speak out against Dickon’s decision immediately. However, Dickon is both honorable and stupid and they end up getting roasted harder than a Jeff Ross joke.

The (P)Lannisters

Jaime storms past Qyburn to talk shop with Cersei about their recent shortcomings. Jaime doesn’t know how many men they lost, but Cersei says that they have enough gold and support from the Iron Bank to get mercenaries on their side (callback to the Golden Company from last week’s episode). Jaime tells her that this war is impossible for them to win. Cersei jokingly says that perhaps Tyrion will intercede on their behalf for murdering Tywin and Joffrey. Jaime says welllllll about that….

Dragonstone

Jon continues to brood on the cliff when he says Dany flying home from war. They land aggressively close to Jon and continue to approach him, with Drogon flaring his nostrils and showing his chompers. Jon stands his ground but is visibly nervous about this encounter. He takes off his glove and rubs Drogon’s nostril, I believe making him only the 3rd living person to touch one of the dragons (Tyrion did in Season 6). Upon seeing this, Danys hops off Drogon because she realizes that she’d prefer to mount Jon instead.

Dany brings up what Davos said about Jon taking a dagger to the chest, which Jon sneaks away from answering when who else but Jorah Mormont shows up. Jorah rolls up looking fucking snazzy in black after spending years wearing that outrageous yellow shirt. Poor Jorah beats the Westerosi equivalent of AIDS to return to his Queen, knowing that Daario is now out of the picture, only to have another handsome devil in Jon Snow by her side.

Bran Warging

Bran wargs into about 75 ravens all at once to fly in the same direction to check up on the impending doom. I think warging into 1 raven would be a little more inconspicuous but who am I to say. They fly past the army of the impending doom which is just massive and the Night King quickly turns his head towards the ravens, scattering them and taking Bran out of his warg. This feels kind of like a Harry Potter/Lord Voldemort thing when Harry would have dreams about what Voldemort was up to. Voldemort was eventually able to manipulate Harry that way though, so keep an eye out for that. Bran says “ravens, we need to send ravens.”

Sam(not so)well Tarly

One of said ravens made its way down to Oldtown, where the Archmaesters and Maesters are discussing the news. Sam enters the room with a bunch of books and scrolls right when they begin discussing the raven sent by Bran. Sam interjects the conversation and gives his two cents about Bran and how he defied the odds of surviving beyond the Wall. The Archmaesters shrug off Sam’s interjections and write off Bran’s letter as a ploy to get Southern troops up North to make Dany’s conquest easier. It is revealed that Sam is unaware of his brother’s and father’s deaths, which in theory makes him the heir to Horn Hill. He could legitimize Gilly’s child as his own I think and then the Tarly lineage would carry on, contrary to what Tyrion said earlier in the episode.

Dragonstone Again 

The same raven made it’s way to Dragonstone, where Varys and Tyrion are sitting in the throne room holding it. They’re discussing Dany’s decision to burn the Tarly’s, and Varys once again draws a parallel between her and her father, the Mad King. “You need to find a way to make her listen.” Varys tells Tyrion. They agree that Dany will not become what her father was, “if she receives the right counsel.”

Tyrion beckons towards the letter Varys is holding for Jon and asks if he read it. Varys responds that it’s a sealed letter for the King in the North. “What’s it say?” Tyrion asks, and Varys admits that he had already opened, read, and resealed it, saying “nothing good.”

Jon finally gets a look at the letter and finally learns that both Arya and Bran are alive and home in Winterfell. He says that he wishes to return home to fight the battle against the impending doom. The group concludes that Dany would help Jon fight the battle up North if Davos is able to sneak Tyrion into King’s Landing and he is able to convince Jaime to convince Cersei to also hold off the war and help fight the impending doom if Jon and Jorah go beyond the Wall and bring back a wight that is convincing enough to pose a threat to Cersei/humanity. Quite a bit of convincing on their plate.

Winterfell

“We did not chose you to rule us. But perhaps we should have.” Lord Glover tells Sansa as Arya enters the Hall. There is a lot of unrest in the North, and the Northern Lords are starting to pull for Sansa to rule permanently. However, Sansa deflects all comments and ideas and says that Jon is doing what he feels is best. Arya follows Sansa back to her chambers (their parents old chambers) and the sisters do some bickering.

King’s Landing

Davos and Tyrion arrive at Davos’ old smuggling spot in King’s Landing. I can only imagine what they talked about during their journey. Davos leaves the boat tied up and tells Tyrion that they’re ‘fooked’ if somebody steals it.

Bronn leads Jaime down past the dragon skulls to train. There, he reveals Tyrion. Despite Jaime promising Bronn that he would slice Tyrion in half if he ever saw him again, he does not do so here.

Davos is poking around in runs into GENDRY. “Wasn’t sure I’d find ya. Thought you might still be rowing.” Gendry was last seen rowing away from Dragonstone thanks to Davos in Season THREE, and is now rowing back where it all started with Davos and Tyrion.

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Gendry is the bastard son of former King Robert Baratheon. Robert had many bastards throughout Westeros and Joffrey tried to get them all killed during his reign. Gendry is an expert blacksmith and was given to Yoren to join the Night’s Watch before eventually being held captive by Lannister soldiers at Harrenhaal (both with Arya). Gendry and Arya then ran into the Brotherhood Without Banners, who in turn sold him to Melisandre. So he’s been through some shit. But he now wields a war hammer, which is a testament to his father, who famously wielded the same weapon during his rebellion.

Gendry and Davos return to the boat to wait for Tyrion when they’re confronted by a couple gold cloaks. Davos easily pays them off and gives them an aphrodisiac food item that he was pretending to smuggle. They talk about boners for a little and the gold cloaks go on their merry way. That is, until Tyrion comes waltzing around the corner right in front of them. The gold cloaks become suspicious and they’re about to cause a ruckus when Gendry whips out his war hammer and annihilates the two men. Dude’s gonna fuck up some wights next week for sure.

An Heir to the Throne

Jaime tells Cersei that he met with Tyrion, which Cersei already knew. Cersei tells Jaime that she’s going to punish Bronn for setting up the meeting without Jaime’s knowledge or consent. Cersei says that they will overcome any and all enemies for themselves, and their future baby. Product of incest #4 on the way, baby. Or maybe she’s lying. Anyways, the scene ends with a quick brother-sister make out sesh.

The Befriending of the Bastards

Davos is telling Gendry for the second time to not complicate things by telling anybody his true heritage. They come across Jon and Gendry immediately says, “Gendry, I’m Robert Baratheon’s son. Bastard son.” 

They immediately bond over their birthright situation and their father’s relationship. They exchange verbal punches over their physical statures, which is a direct callback to their fathers in Season 1, Episode 1:

Gendry tells Jon that he’s an expert blacksmith but he swings a mighty hammer and he convinces Jon to let him join the hunting party beyond the Wall. Davos doesn’t want either of them to go, quoting his own father: “Its better to be a coward for a minute than dead for the rest of your life.”

As the boats are getting prepared to leave, Jorah and Dany share a moment. Dany holds his hands and Jorah’s about to say that he loves her, but then Jon enters the picture. Poor Jorah just getting cucked left and right. Jon kicks Jorah aside and tells Dany that at least he won’t have to deal with the pesky King in the North if he doesn’t return. “I’ve grown used to him” Dany replies, all but confirming that they’re gonna bang.

Shut Up SAM

Sam is rewriting scrolls for the Citadel while halfheartedly engaging in conversation with Gilly. She is literally on the fucking cusp of telling us that Jon is in fact the true heir to the Iron Throne but Sam shut her up. Gilly said that Prince Rhaegar got his marriage annulled and remarried in Dorne. The second marriage would be to Lyanna Stark. Lyanna is Jon’s mother, and he was born in the Tower of Joy in Dorne. If Rhaegar’s first marriage was annulled, his children from his first marriage would actually be the bastards, while Jon (if that’s his actual name) Targaryen would be next in the line of succession. If Sam didn’t speak for a half second longer, he could have possibly linked up Jon and Dany forever.

Instead, Sam gave baby Sam the book and headed off into the restricted section of the library presumably to steal books related to defeating the impending doom. Gilly asks is Sam is sure that he wants to leave, to which he replies, “I’m tired of reading about the achievements of better men.”

 

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Weasel Fuck Littlefinger

Arya is stalking Littlefinger around Winterfell as he’s seen whispering and exchanging notes with people. I’m playing an away game on vacation where HBOGo isn’t legal so I don’t have any subtitles to help find out what Littlefinger was whispering about. I’m assuming it was all about the letter that Arya ended up finding.

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Sansa was forced to write the letter to Robb in Season 1. As you can see, Littlefinger was present and knows that Sansa was young, naive, and under duress while writing the letter.

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The letter reads:

Robb, I write to you with a heavy heart. Our good king Robert is dead, killed from wounds he took in a boar hunt. Father has been charged with treason. He conspired with Robert’s brothers against my beloved Joffrey and tried to steal his throne. The Lannisters are treating me very well and provide me with every comfort. I beg you: come to King’s Landing, swear fealty to King Joffrey and prevent any strife between the great houses of Lannister and Stark.

Your faithful sister, Sansa

This all stems from a quick discussion in Winterfell from Episode 3 of this season. Maester Wolkan told Sansa that Maester Luwin kept an extensive record of all ravens sent to and from King’s Landing. Littlefinger heard and got his hands on the copy. Now because of some impressive counter-spying by Littlefinger, Arya knows about the letter, which of course let to half their family’s death. It appears that weasel fuck Littlefinger finally made his move to divide the Starks. Don’t forget “the long wolf dies, but the pack survives.”

Eastwatch By The Sea

Tormund is finally back in action and after telling Jon how stupid his idea is, he asks if Brienne will be joining them. Tormund brings the crew down to the cells where the Hound, Beric Dondarrion, and Thoros of Myr are located. Basically everybody there knows one another and they’re not exactly best friends. “We’re all on the same side.” Jon says, “We’re all breathing.” 

The group of 7 (noteworthy) men go past the Wall and into the wintery abyss as Thoros slugs some rum. So that’s it, huh? We’re some kind of Suicide Squad?

 

Next Week

They’re beyond the Wall. They’re beyond the Wall again. They see a mountain beyond the Wall. Dany and Tyrion stand at their war table brooding. Jon sees something beyond the Wall. Beric and Jon talk beyond the Wall. They draw their weapons beyond the Wall. Sansa closes a door. They stand in a circle beyond the Wall. The Hound kills a wight. Jon battles a White Walker. Gendry kills a wight. Reinforcements come to help past the wall? Beric lights his sword on fire. Wights chase the men beyond the Wall. The Suicide Squad is sprinting beyond the Wall. The White Walkers walk beyond the Wall.

 

P.S.