Hoooooly fucking shit. I don’t even know where to begin. I guess I’ll begin at the beginning. Everybody knows the rules.

Jaime and Bronn

The episode begins with Jaime getting a lump sum of gold out of a wagon and handing it to Bronn. Bronn is dissatisfied with gold and brings up Jaime’s promise from Season 5 that he would give him a castle, land, and a wife, beckoning towards the recently captured Highgarden.

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Jaime tells him that Highgarden would be too much to handle, and Bronn is visibly fed up with continuing to put his life on the line for what is seeming to sound like an empty promise. But “we pay our debts” Jaime says.

The Iron Bank

Cersei is shooting the shit with Tycho from the Iron Bank of Braavos in the Map Room about Cersei’s next step in regaining control of Westeros. She tells him that Qyburn has reached out to the Golden Company in Essos. The Golden Company hasn’t been brought up since Season 4, when Davos tried to convince Stannis Baratheon to hire them to fight for him. They are famous for never breaking a contract, and they’re about 10,000 strong. They would be a yuuuge pickup for Team Lannister. Jorah Mormont also was a member of the company before pledging himself to the Targaryens.

Bran’s Chambers

Weasel fuck Littlefinger goes into Bran’s chambers and presents him the Valyrian Steel Dagger that was used in the attempt on his life in Season 1. Yes, the very same dagger that was in the book Samwell was flipping through in Episode 1. It has come up way too many times to not end up being super important to the overall plot of the show. Bran asks if Littlefinger knew who owned it before, which is dumb because shouldn’t Bran be able to find that out in about half a second? While weasel fuck Littlefinger is working his angle, he says the word ‘chaos,’ which prompts Bran to perk up and say, “chaos is a ladder.” That very quote was spoken by Littlefinger himself in Season 3 in a private conversation with Varys in King’s Landing.

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To summarize the conversion, Varys told Littlefinger that when there is chaos, everybody in the realm falls into a pit of despair, where nobody can escape. Littlefinger disagreed and said that chaos allows individuals to climb out of the pit with a ladder. Climbing is dangerous, as those who fall die, but that is his method. It basically tells you right then and there who’s the good guy and who’s the bad guy. But we knew that already.

Anyways, Meera ends Bran and Littlefinger’s awkward moment and LF swiftly leaves the room. I haven’t seen a perky girl try to cheer up and deal with a monotonous cripple since Season 1 of Friday Night Lights. Good thing Bran doesn’t have a friend that’s a star fullback or else Meera would be hopping all over him.

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Meera leaves Winterfell, perhaps never to be seen again. She’s the real MVP for keeping Bran alive.

I’m Coming Home

Arya finally made it home to Winterfell. But first, this is me telling you that you should consider throwing subtitles on when watching Game of Thrones. If you don’t, you’ll miss gems like this:Screen Shot 2017-08-06 at 11.43.39 PM

Arya shows up to the gates and these two buffoons that look like Crabbe and Goyle from Harry Potter are standing guard. Arya left her ID at home but swears she’s 21 but the bouncers aren’t having it, and the fat one tries to punch/grab her, which Arya comically sidesteps. They finally let her in and while they’re arguing over who has to tell Sansa that they maybe have her sister, Arya sneaks away to the crypts. Sansa figures that if it was truly Arya that came in, she’d be down there, and they meet for the first time since their father’s beheading.

While in the crypts, Arya subtly mentions that she’s a low key sociopathic serial killer with a list of people she intends to kill, which Sansa laughs off. Sansa must be thinking what the fuck is going on with my siblings. Sansa tells Arya that Bran is home as well and they head over to see if he got any less weird. Long story short, he didn’t. However, he gives Arya the Valyrian Steel Dagger and mentions Arya’s list, to which Sansa probably let out an audible, “what the fuckkkkkk.”

Dragonstone

Daenerys and Missandei are walking around gossiping about Missandei and Grey Worm’s big night as I assume ladies do. See, Westerosi people are just like us. Jon pops up right as the ladies get to the nitty gritty details asking for them to join him in the cave. We all know what happened the last time Jon was in a cave with a lady. I thought Jon was pulling for the ménage à trois of the millennium.

Unfortunately, there were no cave threesomes in this episode. However, there were a bunch of cave drawings deep in the cave which Jon showed Dany. They revealed images of the Children of the Forest and the First Men, as well as White Walkers. I’m not convinced that Jon didn’t just sculpt those himself real quick to help get his point across. Also, what’s up with how dope the White Walker depictions are compared to everything else? There’s a bunch of circles and basically stick figures all over the place then all of a sudden 4 White Walkers drawn by Michelangelo himself pop up.

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Also these symbols were everywhere. In Season 1 Episode 1, the Night’s Watch rangers came across the spiral of mutilated bodies. Perhaps this is their way of communication? This could definitely be something important that maybe Bran or Samwell will figure out.vryfrf__35yqg-zvu2i0wumcihaquibceg7kn1kiwug

Anyways, Jon’s drawings are good enough and Dany agrees to help out once Jon bends the knee. Jon airs his grievances about doing that and Dany AGAIN quotes Jon almost word for word from Season 5. When dealing with Mance Rayder (leader of the Wildlings) and his unwillingness to let his people follow a Southern ruler in Stannis Baratheon, Jon said, “isn’t their survival more important than your pride?” In a similar yet different situation, Dany asks the very same question to Jon. That’s two episodes in a row with Dany nearly quoting Jon Snow word for word.

The gang leaves the cave and is met by Tyrion and Varys who are carrying the bittersweet news about Casterly Rock. Dany freaks out and yells at Tyrion, saying that “perhaps you don’t want to hurt them after all” referring to his family. Dany employs Jon’s counsel about the idea of her flying Drogon to the Red Keep to take matters into her own hands, to which Jon speaks against. He says she’ll be no different than the rulers before her if she used her dragons as nuclear warheads.

Winterfell

Brienne continues to emasculate Podrick in combat training. Arya showcases her talents from training with Syrio Forel and The Faceless Men and solidified herself as the big swinging dick in Winterfell. When Brienne asks who taught Arya how to fight, she replied, “no one.” After watching them spar, Sansa walked away emotionless while Littlefinger tucked away his fear boner and bowed towards the ladies.

Dragonstone Part II

My favorite scene besides the whole Dothraki/Drogon thing later on. Jon and Davos are just a couple guys being dudes and Davos asks Jon what he thinks of Daenerys. Jon says she has a good heart, to which Davos replies, “I’ve noticed you staring at her good heart.” Jon wondered aloud if they had 10,000 troops or less back home. Davos quickly muttered “fewer”, which is a testament to Stannis Baratheon AKA the Grammar Nazi.

Davos continues his hot streak as they walked down the steps as he says, “speaking of good hearts, Missandei of Naath.” He’s talking about boobs, folks.

Theon and Jon Meet Again

Theon lands back at Dragonstone to ask for Daenerys’ help in rescuing Yara from Euron. Jon is among the small group of people to “greet” him at the shores. Theon was once loyal to House Stark but was always kind of a dick to Jon. In Season 2 when Theon returned home, his father coerced him into betraying the Starks while Robb was out trying to win the war. He burned two boys alive and hung them, telling everyone that the boys were Bran and Rickon Stark. That backfired, and Theon eventually was taken in and tortured by Ramsey Bolton, and the Reek personality that still haunts Theon was born. Theon temporarily broke free of his battered identity when the Boltons had Winterfell and he helped Sansa escape. Because of that, Jon said, he didn’t kill Theon right then and there on the Dragonstone shore.

Yooooooooo

Randyll Tarly tells Jamie that all the gold has been safely transported back to King’s Landing. Jaime and Bronn ride to see what Dickon Tarly’s up to, and once again Jaime calls him “Rickon.” Dickon corrects his name and Bronn nearly falls off his horse laughing. All is fun and games, until…..rumbling.

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Shit, meet pants.

Also, shoutout Noah Syndergaard:

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I’m gonna have to check the injury report in the morning to see how long Syndergaard is gonna be on the DL after being roasted alive by Drogon.

So the Dothraki horde was dope as fuck. Guys were jumping off of horses, shooting arrows while riding them, and just being super malicious. “Only a fool would meet the Dothraki in an open field” said Robert Baratheon to Cersei in Season 1.

What a scene, though. It was exhausting to watch. I went from no not Daenerys! to no not Bronn! to no not Drogon! to no not Jaime! More characters need to be assholes I can’t handle people I like going at each other’s heads.

Bronn had an incredible battle with a Dothraki through the fire and flames and eventually sent one of Qyburn’s steel arrows through him. Bronn then hits Drogon on his second attempt. I guess if King’s Landing has a bunch of them at all different angles then the Scorpion could be effective. Drogon gets hit in the human equivalent of the shoulder and it seems like he’ll be just fine. He did however completely disprove Pokémon with a mean ass Tail Whip when he landed. It’s a non-damaging move in the game! Unbelievable.

Anyways, Dany dismounts Drogon to attempt to dislodge the iron beam in his shoulder. Jaime is watching nearby and finds a spear. With both Dany and Drogon temporarily focused on something else, he charges. Tyrion is watching from a nearby mountain and is muttering, “you idiot, you fucking idiot.” Dany and Drogon turn around, Drogon opens his mouth, and suddenly Bronn tackles Jaime off his horse into the river before flames engulf both of their horses. The episode ends with Jaime falling back first into the depths of the river.

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Remind you of this?

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Jaime is falling back first with a heavy gold hand and a bunch of armor on his person. However he is also wearing something called plot armor, which means that he is too valuable to the show and most likely won’t die like this. Odds are somebody fishes him out and he’s a prisoner once again. Or maybe he’ll change allegiances knowing that Tyrion was innocent in Joffrey’s murder.

Next Week

Daenerys tells a bunch of ashy soldiers to bend the knee or be killed while Drogon lays behind her. Varys tells Tyrion that he needs to find a way to make her (probably Dany) to listen to him. Dany is riding Drogon as he roars right in front of Jon. Jon is telling Dany, Davos, Varys (and maybe others) that Bran warged into a raven and saw the White Walkers marching towards Eastwatch. Davos reiterates that bad things are in fact coming. Also…..if you look on the IMDB page for next week’s episode, an interesting name is listed. The episode itself is called ‘Blood of the Dragon’ so maybe Jon’s lineage is revealed to him/others? Maybe Drogon is just bleeding still and they didn’t know what else to call the episode? We shall see.

**UPDATE** Next week’s episode is now named ‘Eastwatch’ which is the tower along The Wall that Tormund and the Wildlings are holding down. White Walker battle?? The Hound and the rest of The Brotherhood Without Banners could be nearby as well as they follow The Hound’s vision. Once again, we shall see.

 

 

P.S.