I believe I started last week’s review by simply saying wow. And goddammit I’ll start it that way again. Season 7 Episode 3 of Game of Thrones came and went, and it brought the HEAT this week. Lets hop right into it.

Dragonstone

This episode started hot out of the gates with Jon and Davos landing on Dragonstone, met by Tyrion, Missandei, and a small army of Dothraki. Tyrion and Jon threw a couple friendly verbal jabs at one another and then shook hands. Once everybody important exchanged pleasantries, Missandei requested that Jon and his men all hand over their weapons, which they reluctantly did.

As everybody began the 10 hour journey up the completely unnecessary number of steps at Dragonstone, Davos and Missandei had a conversation. It went a little something like this:

Davos: Hey, trusted advisor of Queen Daenerys, I’m the trusted advisor of King Jon Snow. I could’t identify your accent, may I ask where you are from?

Missandei: Naath.

Davos: Ah, I hear it’s beautiful down there. Palm trees and butterflies. Haven’t been there myself.

Missandei: I have a boyfriend.

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I think that this was the most unintentionally hilarious episode of Game of Thrones in a long time. The combination of Tyrion’s nonsense, Jon using big words like “squabbling”, Davos not knowing any nicknames to give Jon, and the power struggle between two rulers that expected their meeting to go much differently were hilarious.

Tyrion assured Jon that he and Sansa did not consummate their marriage wayyyyyy too early on the stairs. They actually weren’t even on the stairs yet. Imagine walking next to the guy you just assured you didn’t bang his sister for a few thousand steps? Anyways, Jon says I’m not a Stark” while talking to Tyrion and within one second Drogon comes flying from out behind them probably trying to tell everyone that he can smell Jon’s  Targaryen blood from miles away.

Melisandre and Varys

Not much to report here. Melisandre wisely stayed away from Jon and Davos upon their arrival, only to be questioned by Varys. Melisandre beat around the bush about why but it appeared that Varys at least had an idea. She said she was headed to Volantis, but will return to Westeros eventually to die, as Varys will as well. Soooo both of them won’t be lasting until the end. As the scene ends Varys sees a single Greyjoy ship on it’s way back to Dragonstone.

The Meeting We’ve All Been Waiting For

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Missandei introduced Daenerys and her 11 titles to Jon and Davos, and Davos introduced Jon to Daenerys and her constituents as, “this is Jon Snow……He’s King in the North.” Dany ignored that and after throwing some knowledge/shade their way, told Jon that she expects him to bend the knee right then and there. After Jon declined, Daenerys nearly recited what Jon Snow said in Season 7 Episode 1 when he allowed those two kids to keep their castles. “I ask you not to judge a daughter by the sins of her father.” Jon himself said in Episode 1, “I will not punish a son for his father’s sins.” So either there’s someone talking up in Winterfell or the show writers really want to create this parallel between Jon and Dany. “I am the last Targaryen, Jon Snow” Daenerys said, wrong again. The duo bickered back and forth, following the theme of the season which is relatives quarreling.

Jon refused to bend the knee and instead was hell-bent on teaming up to take on the White Walkers up North. Daenerys thought he was mad, while Tyrion gave quizzical looks of his own. Davos gave one final sales pitch mainly about Jon’s character and said, “he took a knife in the heart for his people. He gave his own…” before Jon gave him a quick look to shut him up. It would be kind of hard to sell Daenerys that the living dead were the enemies and Jon was an ally while Jon himself was a living dead. Also maybe Jon just wants to mention one crackpot story at a time. Going into depth that he was resurrected but not the evil kind of resurrected like the other dead people that were resurrected might make Jon Snow look like Alex Jones out there.

Right as Dany was telling Jon and Davos that they were in open rebellion against her, Varys ran into the room to tell her the grave news and the Northerners were dismissed. When Jon asked Dany if they were being taken prisoner, she replied, “not yet.”

Theon’s Return

A Greyjoy ship picked Theon up out of the sea and the captain inquired about Yara’s fate. After Theon told him that Euron captured her, the captain basically called him a dickless coward and they went on their way presumably back to Dragonstone.

A Hero’s Welcome for Euron

Euron is on his horse is leading Yara, Ellaria, and Tyene through town by chains. The people of King’s Landing are oddly supportive of the Lannister regime, despite the whole blowing up the Great Sept in the middle of the city thing. I haven’t seen an evil man get so many cheers while parading through the city since the last Patriots Super Bowl.

Euron hands over Ellaria and Tyene to Cersei, and Cersei whispers to Euron that he will be able to marry her once the war is won. Jaime of course is right in earshot and continues to make distorted faces. Jaime threatens Euron when everybody is cheering about him changes allegiances. Euron’s loyalty and faithfulness was questioned multiple times this episode by multiple people, so I really wonder what his end game is. Euron of course had the last word with Jaime, asking if one day he could get some advice about how Cersei likes it. “Does she like it gentle or rough? A finger in the bum?”

Cersei’s Revenge

Cersei has Ellaria and Tyene chained up to the wall just out of reach from one another. She’s talking in her “I’m about to fuck your day up” voice and The Mountain is also in attendance along with Qyburn. The last time Ellaria and The Mountain were in the same place, he famously crushed her husband Oberyn Martell’s skull in. Cersei tells Ellaria that she thought about having The Mountain do the same to them, but she had something more poetic in mind. I saw that pink lipstick and new something was up. Sure enough, it was The Long Farewell, the same poison that Ellaria used to kill Cersei’s daughter Myrcella.

This episode was called ‘The Queen’s Justice’ after all.

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Life comes at you fast. The last time Tyene Sand was behind bars, she had the antidote to the poison that was in Bronn’s system in Season 5.Screen Shot 2017-07-31 at 12.48.25 AM

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Maybe Bronn will make it back just in time to save the girl with the self-described “bad pussy.”

Incest

Cersei went right from poisoning Tyene Sand to hooking up with Jaime. Was that one of the most dangerous blow jobs of all time? She literally just had poison lipstick, wiped it off, and drank the antidote. There could’ve been residual poison all over the place. After Jaime presumably spent all night staring at Cersei sleeping, she’s woken up by a knock on the door and we get some nice tits and ass action. She looks a lot better when she isn’t covered in dirt, blood, tomatoes, and who knows what else during her walk of atonement. Some Rachel Maddow looking motherfucker is at the door and sees Jaime in the bed. Cersei tells Rachel Maddow that they need new sheets immediately and Jaime is beside himself. Secrets out for real now folks.

The Iron Bank of Braavos

The debt that the Iron Throne and the Lannisters owe the Iron Bank of Braavos has been a small, yet important subplot throughout the entire series. Ned Stark learned in season 1 that they owed an astounding amount of golden dragons. The phrase “the Iron Bank will have its due” holds as much merit as “a Lannister always pays his debts.” Well, now the unstoppable force has reached the immovable object. There is a long and boring financial history with the Iron Bank, but what’s important is that when they don’t get their money, they start funding other people’s claims to the Throne. Seeing as the Lannisters are nearly broke, the representative from the Iron Bank laid his cards out on the table and said that he needs money or else he’s about to invest in Daenerys and her 3 dragons instead. Cersei told the man to stay in King’s Landing for a fortnight (two weeks) and then her debt will be paid in full.

Might I add that the banker also questioned Euron’s loyalty.

Also might I add that the banker had the quote of the episode that I am going to take with me for the rest of my degenerate gambling days; “We don’t make bets. We invest in endeavors we deem likely to be successful.”

Cliffs of Dragonstone

Tyrion and Jon are standing on a cliff brooding about their respective failures. Tyrion points out that Jon looks much better brooding than he does, thus making it difficult for him to brood effectively. After some collective brooding, Tyrion basically spells it out for Jon to ask for something a little less extreme than borrowing three dragons to fight the impending doom. They settle on dragon glass, and Tyrion brings the request up to Daenerys.

Dany is still skeptical about the impending doom in the North but Tyrion butters her up to the idea of helping Jon by allowing him to mine for dragon glass. Daenerys brings up Davos mentioning Jon taking a knife in the heart for his people, to which Tyrion shot down its importance.

Jon and Dany met alone, which was perhaps a bad idea considering how Dany basically called him an enemy and a rebel just a half hour earlier. Anyways they chat a little bit and Dany says that she may be reconsidering what she believes in this world, and allows Jon to mine for dragon glass, using whatever tools or manpower he needs. When Jon asks if she believes him, she puts on her flirtier voice and says, “you better get to work, Jon Snow.” Major missed opportunity for Jon to say “I’m no weatherman but winter is coming and you can expect 6-8 inches of Snow tonight.”

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Also, you know who else started sentences with “you” and ended them with “Jon Snow?” My girl Ygritte.

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Winterfell

Sansa is running shit with weasel fuck Littlefinger following her everywhere she goes. She’s ruling with certainty and authority, oh and she’s actually communicating with her advisors. Littlefinger is surprisingly giving good advice to Sansa about expecting any and every outcome for any and every thing before he’s interrupted by an informant.

Getting the Band Back Together

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Are there no ravens at The Wall? Surely Jon or Sansa would have appreciated a little heads up that at least somebody claiming to be their long lost younger brother had arrived and was headed their way.

Bran is a weird fuck now also. He sounds and acts how Jaden Smith would after a year full of philosophy classes and acid trips. Sansa’s out there freezing her ass off at the Weirwood Tree asking about what a three-eyed raven is and Bran just says that it’s difficult to explain. He tells Sansa that the three-eyed raven taught him how to ‘see’, to which Sansa says that she thought Bran was the 3ER. Again Bran says that’s hard to explain. Uhhhh maybe try hey Sansa, you know how titles like King and Lord get passed down after death? Just like that, except I learned this crazy thing where I can see all things past and present but I don’t quite know everything yet.

Instead, Bran has to bring up Sansa’s wedding night to Ramsey and describe how pretty she looked in her dress the night he raped her. Yeah not ideal.

Samwell Tarly

Thank God we fast forwarded the rest of the greyscale removal scene. Turns out Samwell managed to cure Jorah. Jorah is released for the Citadel hospital place and he tells Sam that he’s headed back to serve Daenerys. If he shows up while Jon is there and he tells him about Sam, or just mentions his last name to Jon, he may help push the alliance between Jon and Dany.

Samwell defied all the odds and managed to cure Jorah of greyscale, and Archmaster Ebrose rewarded Samwell by not expelling him from school/dropping him as a pledge. I’m hoping that one of those books Sam has to copy has some important information in it.

Queen D

Daenerys and the gang are plotting around the table trying to cope with their recent naval loss. Dany wants to hop on Drogon and locate Euron’s fleet to destroy them all. Since nobody else can ride dragons (yet) she would have to go alone, so Tyrion, Varys, and Missandei strongly advise against it.

Instead, Tyrion lays out the Casterly Rock plan. He reveals that he was in charge of the sewage system when he lived there and he devised a secret entrance for him to sneak whore in and out of the castle. He then went on to quote Bronn from season 1: “Give me 10 good men and I’ll impregnate the bitch.”

The (P)Lannisters

The Unsullied take over Casterly Rock and Grey Worm is confused about how easy it was to take it over. Then….he turns around:

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The majority of the Lannister soldiers are at Highgarden, where the Tyrell’s reside. Jaime leads the Army with Randyl Tarly and Bronn by his side. The battle is won easily, and the camera just follows Jaime up to the quarters where Lady Olenna is awaiting him. Jaime describes his strategy to Olenna. Euron burnt the Unsullied ships and the Lannisters nearly cleared out Casterly Rock of all food and supplies before the battle. Therefore, the Unsullied will have to march all the way across Westeros in order to return to Dragonstone. Here’s a map for reference:

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Lady Olenna got some great shots in at Jaime before she drank the poison, however. She managed to call Joffrey a cunt one more time for good measure. “She’ll be the end of you” she said to Jaime about his love for Cersei. Olenna then downed that glass of wine with the poison in it like I do every Passover at the Rosenbergs. Her last words to Jaime were admitting that it was actually her that had poisoned Joffrey on his wedding day. So in a way, Olenna had the last laugh even with her dying breath. This also proves to Jaime that Tyrion was wrongly accused of killing Joffrey. Maybe they’ll end up on the same side when its all said and done. But for Cersei, Lady Olenna’s death was just another one phase of ‘The Queen’s Justice.’

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Also worth noting, Highgarden has lots of gold and food/crops. The troops and citizens of King’s Landing will not starve, and the Lannisters may have found enough money and gold to pay their debts.

 

Next Week

The banker is with Cersei in the map room. Dany confides to Jon that she is losing allies, as well as the war. The banker says that he’ll back Cersei as soon as he gets his gold. The dagger from the book Sam was reading/used to try to assassinate Bran is being wielded by somebody. Podrick falls down. Theon leads a rowboat onto shore. Jon and Dany enter a cave. Arya is in the North. Sansa is writing a letter. Oh and Dany is riding Drogon presumably into battle:

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P.S.

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