Wow. Season 7 Episode 2 of Game of Thrones was nuts. I can’t believe that there are only 5 episodes left this season. As is the new norm, I gave ‘Stormborn’ a 2nd watch and I’m here with some reactions and observations. I’ll say spoiler alert but you’re an idiot if you didn’t know that by now.

Loyalty, Loyalty, Loyalty

The episode started at Dragonstone where a giant storm was going on. Tyrion and Varys are in the War Room with Daenerys and the men exchange comments about how the storm resembles the one on the day that Dany was born. Daenerys pounced on the opportunity and started inquisiting Varys about his allegiance. After serving for King after King, Varys admitted that he does what he has to in order to survive. In fact, it was Varys that sent the assassin out on Dany in Essos. Normally a closed book, Varys was completely transparent with Daenerys and with some pleading from Tyrion, Dany made Varys swear to never conspire behind her back and to tell her to her face if he feels like she is failing the people. After Varys agrees, Dany comes back and swears to him that If you betray me, I’ll burn you alive.” Classic Targaryen threat.

The Prince(ss) That Was Promised

Melisandre made it down to Dragonstone after being exiled from the North by Jon Snow. Despite their falling out, Melisandre came to Daenerys saying that she and Jon ought to meet. Melisandre then proclaimed Dany the new Azor Ahai, or Prince that Was Promised. That same prophecy led to Stannis Baratheon’s own downfall. Dany took offense by saying that she is not a Prince, but Missandei was finally useful for the first time in at least a dozen episodes and corrected the translation, saying that the word is actually genderless.

When Melisandre told Dany and the gang that she should meet up with the King in the North, Jon Snow, nobody knew what was going on. Varys is supposed to be the best spymaster in the world while Tyrion “drinks and knows things” yet neither of them knew that Jon was the new KITN? Tyrion thought he was still just a lowly Night’s Watch dude. Dany eventually agrees to have Tyrion send a raven summoning Jon, adding at the end that he will “bend at knee.”

Winterfell

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Winterfell is buzzing with activity as impending doom gets closer and closer. The scene begins with Jon Snow and Sansa talking about the raven from Tyrion and its legitimacy while overseeing some young boys and girls take archery lessons. Let me take you back to Season 1 Episode 1 real quick:

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Now obviously these kids aren’t worth a rat’s ass but I thought it was a cool callback.

Anyways, Jon, Sansa, and Davos are looking over Tyrion’s letter while Davos suddenly remembers that dragons breathe fire, which they could definitely use in their battle against the impending doom.

The Lannister-Tarly Alliance

Cersei held a meeting at King’s Landing to find some allies and talk some shit about “the Mad King’s daughter.” The group of people that she was speaking to was headlined by Randyll Tarly and his son, Dickon. They of course are the father and brother of Samwell. Randyll is one of the most respected generals in all of Westeros, as he was the only one to defeat Robert Baratheon during his rebellion. Despite fighting for the other side during Robert’s Rebellion and his current alliance with the Tyrell’s, Jaime asked Randyll to be his general in the upcoming war. With Randyll starting to lean back towards his previous oath to the Tyrell’s, Jaime dropped the bombshell that “When the war is done, the Queen will need a new Warden of the South. I can think of no better man than Randyll Tarly.” We don’t receive confirmation but I think that’s a big enough promise to sway Randyll’s allegiances.

Sam(not so)well Tarly

No poop loop this week, luckily. Instead, we get Samwell in a room with Archmaester Ebrose and Jorah Mormont. Jorah’s body looks like Two-Face from The Dark Knight and Ebrose tells Jorah that he has less than 6 months until his greyscale takes over his mind completely. He also gives Jorah one more night until they ship him away to live with the Stone Men, as they both looked at his sword in the corner of the room. Jorah said himself that he would end his life before he turned. As Ebrose and Sam leave, Sam finds out that Jorah is a Mormont and he stutters and stumbles out of the room instead of handling that kind of information like a normal person.

The (P)Lannisters

Cersei alluded that Qyburn had yet another trick up his sleeve when it came to dealing with Daenerys’ dragons. Turns out it was just a larger than usual crossbow that probably takes too long to reload? Cersei shot one of the spears from about 20 yards away and it cracked an ancient dragon fossil. That could work if they find a dragon taking a nap or something, but hitting a dragon flying fast as fuck while it breathes fire on you is a whole different ballgame.

Dragonstone

Before Tyrion unveils the war plan for King’s Landing and Casterly Rock, Dany mentions for the 2nd time in the episode that she doesn’t want to be Queen of the ashes. Keep in mind Daenerys’ vision in the House of the Undying from Season 2:

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Dany tries laying out the plan while Lady Olenna sits back in her chair and makes fun of everything. Dany wants to lay siege to King’s Landing and starve everyone inside instead of violently attacking them. Tyrion takes over the plans with some helpful visual aids. While using the Tyrell, Greyjoy, and Dornish troops to surround King’s Landing, Tyrion plans to have Grey Worm and the Unsullied take over Casterly Rock, hitting the Lannisters at their core. That got all the women on board. Who run the world?

Dany then sits down with Olenna for a quick chat. Olenna mentions Tyrion and says that he’s a clever man, and that she has known clever men like him in the past. The thing is, she says, “I’ve outlived them all. You know why? I ignored them.” After listening to Tyrion’s advice on Varys, Jon Snow, and the attack on Casterly Rock all in one episode, maybe that conversation will turn the tides in their relationship.

Grey Worm Goes Down on Missandei for a Wicked Long Time

Grey Worm, just a Jedi with the chicks. Dude goes down on girls for a wicked long time ’cause he’s a giver and he wants to see others be happy. Missandei hit the jackpot here. Their relationship is basically like Jonah Hill in The Sitter where he’d always go down on this one girl who would never reciprocate and would kick him out of the house once he was done. But with Grey Worm, he can’t even get a pity BJ because he’s dickless.

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Greyscale Medical Trials

Nothing like seeing Missandei naked one second to seeing Samwell Tarly’s mug the next. He’s with Archmaester Ebrose again, who hands him a book titled, “All History of the House of Lannister.” Ebrose describes the author as an “excellent researcher.” So something important will probably come out of that. Maybe Tyrion isn’t a true Lannister or something, as Tywin did once tell him, “you’re no son of mine.”

Sam sneaks into Jorah’s room and finally explains his relationship with his father, Jeor, who was the Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch when Sam was first there. Sam gave Jordah some rum then went ahead and began a forbidden greyscale treatment that had worked twice in the past. It was gross.

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Hot Pie!

I think Hot Pie is my favorite useless character in this series. With winter here, Hot Pie put on a few lbs and is more than ready for personality season. He looks like Andy Milonakis mixed with Bobby Moynihan. The best part about Hot Pie is that he always rambles on about the secrets to his baking to very uninterested groups of people. Brienne and Podrick damn near stabbed him in the neck to shut him up in Season 4. Arya mentions that she’s been making a couple pies recently of her own. Hot Pie was trying to elevate small talk to medium talk with Arya but Arya was busy stuffing her face and giving one word answers like a pregnant woman in her 3rd trimester. Hot Pie mentioned that Jon Snow took the North back and Arya jets out of the inn, hopefully on her way to a Stark reunion.

Winterfell Again

Jon receives the raven from Sam about the dragon glass mountain under Dragonstone and tells the Lords about it in the hall. He also tells them about the letter from Tyrion and about Daenerys and her dragons. Much to their dismay (and Sansa’s again), Jon says that he will accept the invitation to Dragonstone and that he and Davos will head out the next day. I don’t think they know that Melisandre is down there. Davos said after Jon exiled her in Season 6 that he will execute her himself if she were to come back North again. Even though he is technically coming South to see Melisandre, I can see a confrontation between the two of them for sure.

Sansa was strongly against Jon leaving until Jon said that he would leave the castle to her until he returned. Then all of a sudden everything was ok. Meanwhile Littlefinger was smirking and being a weasel fuck in the corner. Weasel fuck Littlefinger then follows Jon into the Crypts and says a bunch of stuff about Ned and Catelyn, but pushed Jon over the edge when he mentions Sansa. Jon pinned him against the wall, choking him and threatening his life if he ever touches Sansa again. So, what happens next? Jon leaves with Davos and Littlefinger is literally on his way to poke Sansa with his little finger out of spite.

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Nymeria!

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Dawg. Nymeria is MASSIVE. And just running with the wolves? They have to reappear later. You can’t just introduce a massive Direwolf army and not have them devour some shit. Also where the fuck is Ghost? Asking for myself.

Greyjoy Civil War

All is well on the seas. The Sand Snakes are arguing over who will get to kill who, while Yara and Ellaria are boozing up and flirting right up in Theon’s face. Right as they start to kiss and Ellaria’s hand is running up Yara’s thigh, BAM.

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Euron’s fleet showed up and Euron rode this elaborate claw mechanism to latch onto the boat that Yara and the gang were all on. A chaotic Greyjoy Civil War ensued. Euron killed two Sand Snakes with their own weapons. I don’t think anybody will miss them. After a long battle with fireballs flying everywhere, Euron captures Yara and has a knife to her neck as Theon stands across from him. He tells him to come and get her, but Theon psyches out and jumps overboard instead.

The dive itself wasn’t great, but the action was smart. Sure, it looked cowardly and Yara will now probably go through a great deal of pain and suffering, but both of them are still alive. If Theon charged, one or both of them could very well be dead. Theon can now lead the search and rescue team down the line. Or maybe Gendry will be rowing around and Theon can float on over. The episode ends with one Sand Snake hanging, and another one impaled on the mast while Euron’s boat quietly disappeared into the night.

Next Week

Euron enters what looks like King’s Landing on a horse with a bunch of leashes. Looks like a couple humans will be his big gift to Cersei. Jon and Davos arrive at Dragonstone to finally meet Dany. The Unsullied breach Casterly Rock, so it looks like we’ll get consecutive episodes with a dope battle scene. It’s called ‘The Queen’s Justice” so take your pick as to which of the 10 Queens will get her justice.