I’m going to try something new here with Game of Thrones. I have a little financial interest in this season’s outcome so I’m paying close attention to find any foreshadowing or clues in each episode. So, I plan on re-watching each episode and throwing out some thoughts and reactions in chronological order which hopefully is both humorous and informative. I’m not gonna nerd out (any more than writing a Game of Thrones post) and I’m not gonna try a stand-up routine either. Let me know what you think.

 

First off, Season 7 Episode 1 started off with a cold opening. That’s a rare thing in this show, and usually means that shit is about to go DOWN. The other cold openings that come to mind are the very first episode where the White Walkers were revealed, when the Lannisters melted down Ned Stark’s sword into two, and when the Hound was revealed to still be alive. That being said, seeing old ass Walder Frey’s face to start off Season 7 was surprising. However, I knew something was awry and that this wasn’t just a flashback because the Freys historically don’t know their asses from their elbows.

I had actually seen that the actor that plays Walder Frey was cast again this season so I had a suspicion that Arya would do some crazy shit with his face.

The Arya Stark Revenge Tour

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Arya Stark started off Season 7 with an impressive 40+ kill performance. She wore Walder Frey’s face and invited “every Frey worth a damn” into the dining hall to celebrate their success. She then went and roasted the Freys and their dumbass hats about how strong they were for murdering an unborn child, it’s mother, and Catelyn Stark. As they all start coughing up blood and collapsing, Arya drops the line of the episode: “Leave one wolf alive, and the sheep are never safe.” Arya proceeds to pull off Walder’s face, drop the mic and tell Walder’s perplexed ex-wife that the North remembers.

Quick reminder of Sansa Stark’s quote from the trailer, “The lone wolf dies, but the pack survives.” If The Arya Stark Revenge Tour continues South as it appears, it may prove to be problematic for her longevity.

The GIANT Army of the Dead 

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Forget about Paul George going to the Thunder or Chris Paul to the Rockets, the White Walkers had the pick-up of the summer by snagging at least 3 dead fucking giants to join their ever-growing army. I saw a shadow in the background that didn’t stop growing and my jaw dropped. Then they panned out to reveal 2 more! How are they supposed to kill wight giants? It took 6 men from the Night’s Watch in a tunnel to take one normal giant down, and all of them ended up dying anyways!

Bran Gets to The Wall

This guy Bran knows everything. The Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch himself goes out to meet Meera and Bran to question them and upon learning who they claim to be, he asks Bran to prove it. Bran went on to recite everything about the LC, only leaving out what he had for breakfast. He goes on to let the duo enter and FINALLY Meera gets a break from lugging Bran around on his sled. Hopefully just letting Bran through despite him being marked won’t be an issue.

Winterfell

Jon Snow is leading a meeting with all of the Lords in the North about the bad guys further North. He starts by saying that they need dragon glass to kill White Walkers, and that dragon glass is now more valuable than gold. Jon goes on to say that men AND women ages 10-60 will drill daily in preparation for the big battle. Lord Glover speaks out against the idea of women in combat but boss ass bitch Lyanna Mormont shot him down. I don’t plan on knitting by the fire while men fight for me.” She even threw some side eye at him while talking to Jon. After some more housekeeping, Sansa publicly opposed Jon’s decision and undermined him about reassigning castles to houses that betrayed the Starks. In a true testament to Jon’s character and his experience with Catelyn Stark treating him like shit for being ‘Ned’s’ bastard, he declared “I will not punish a son for his father’s sins.” He then got these two nerds to pledge allegiance to him:

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They look like if Ron and Ginny Weasley switched. Young blood on the right is named after Ned Stark, so it makes sense that he joined the light side.

Sansa goes on to low-key compare Jon to Joffrey and Jon nearly throws Sansa over the railing. They are definitely setting up some kind of power struggle between the two, with Littlefinger getting his dirty paws in on the action. Especially with Jon having Targaryen blood, Sansa has as much, if not a better claim to be at the head of the castle as well as the entire North.

Anyways, Jon gets a letter from Cersei demanding that Jon ride to King’s Landing to bend at knee or suffer the consequences. Jon accuses Sansa of admiring Cersei. Classic brother and sister bickering.

The (P)Lannisters

Speaking of the Devil, Cersei is in some badass map room talking to Jaime. She gives him a lot of shit for freeing Tyrion, who of course is now Daenerys’ Hand of the Queen. Cersei goes on an all time tirade, calling the Sand Snakes a bunch of bitches, Olenna Tyrell an old cunt, and Sansa a murdering whore. Surrounded by enemies, Cersei and Jaime are struggling to find allies. Jaime tells Cersei that she’s the Queen of 3 Kingdoms, at best.

Cersei makes the executive decision to invite Euron Greyjoy to King’s Landing to see what he’s got to offer. Jaime scoffed at the idea. These siblings are bickering all over Westeros. Euron showed up looking like Bam Margera minus the purple Lamborghini. Euron proposed to Cersei offering his fleet of 1,000 ships as well as “two good hands” which Jaime took great offense to. Euron later went on to tell Cersei that she should try murdering her brother just like he did (Foreshadowing?). Before Euron finally left, he told Cersei that he was going to give her a gift. I was 10000% expecting him to whip out his “big cock” but maybe he’s saving the Naked Man routine for Dany later. He said he wouldn’t return until he had a suitable gift, which I think is either a person (Tyrion, Ellaria Sand, Varys) or perhaps a weapon that could subdue dragons.

Sam(not so)well Tarly

Maester school looks like a shitty gig. In more ways than one. Dude is picking up literal shit from gross old people, cleaning said shit bowls, pouring gross looking food into bowls, carrying heavy books around for people, and weighing dead people’s organs. Sam’s basically just a pledge. Anyways I was half expecting Sam to find some invisibility cloak to get into the restricted section but I guess stealing some old dude’s keys was more practical.

There were a couple interesting scenes from Sam’s parts in the episode. One is that the dagger he was reading about is a Targaryen blade. That same blade was used in the assassination attempt on Bran in Season 1, and Littlefinger once owned that same dagger years before the attempt. He lost the dagger to Robert Baratheon, but I believe Littlefinger has it again. It’ll be interesting to see if this was just an Easter Egg or if it’ll all come full circle.

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Second would be the dragon glass cave in Dragonstone. Sam’s writing to Jon about it, and since Jon values dragon glass more than gold, it seems to be a sure thing that he’ll be traveling down at some point to get his hands on some.

Third, Jorah Mormont made it down to Oldtown and yiiiiiiiikes. Jorah looks like Geodude.

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Tormienne

Find you someone who looks at you the way Tormund looks at Brienne. Can’t wait for these two to knock boots.

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While this scene is going on, Sansa actually quiets Littlefinger before he gets the last word in and tells him that she’ll just assume he said something clever. She’s seen enough shit and has gotten cold-hearted and I love it.

Ed Fucking Sheeran

Tell ’em boo:

The song did kinda bang though. Arya eats with a bunch of weird and kinda rapey Lannister soldiers and tells the men that she’s on a journey to kill the Queen. They don’t take her seriously and laugh, but little do they know. Maybe she’ll kill one/all of them and take their faces to get into King’s Landing as a soldier? Anyways I saw snow on the ground and was hyped for a super Stark reunion up North. But nope, South she goes.

The Hound

Easily one of the best characters in the entire show, The Hound and the Brotherhood Without Banners continued heading North. They obviously show up at the same house that fed The Hound and Arya soup when they were travel companions. They all notice that it seems abandoned and sure enough when they enter, a men’s and child’s skeleton are in the corner of the house. People forget that The Hound robbed them of all their silver, telling Arya that they won’t survive the winter anyway.

Anyways, The Hound is making fun of Thoros of Myr and his connection with the Lord of Light as well as Beric Dondarrion and how he has been resurrected half a dozen times, calling them cunts and whatnot. He mocks Thoros for his comment about the weather, and then for his little man bun he has, saying, “You know what doesn’t scare me? Bald cocksuckers like you. You think you’re fooling anyone with that top knot?” This is the man we’re talking about:

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I fucking love The Hound. Just calls everyone a cunt and swings the biggest sword/dick in town. I don’t know about his vision in the fire, though. I thought he was pulling Thoros’ leg the entire time but I guess that all but confirms that the Brotherhood will make it to The Wall and beyond.

Queen D

What’s a Game of Thrones episode without Daenerys finishing it off getting everyone all hyped for the next week. She finally made it to Dragonstone, where the Targaryen’s used to reside and Dany herself was born. The dragons are also enormous now. They’re probably yoked from flying over the sea for a super long time. I don’t imagine they could just perch on the boats like big birds. They zooooom now so those fuckers must’ve done enough flying for 8 trips just waiting for the fleet of ships to make it.

And how about all those steps? Jesus. You know Tyrion saw all those and felt like the gecko from that Geico commercial.

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“Shall we begin?” Dany asks Tyrion and I’m already counting down the hours until next Sunday.

 

Next Week

The Northerners don’t seem to want to trust another Targaryen. Cersei is convincing a room full of people that “the Mad King’s daughter” will destroy everything and everyone. Yara and Ellaria are making out and trying to convince Dany to attack King’s Landing right away. And last but not least, Nymeria is BACK. Nymeria was last seen attacking Joffrey in King’s Landing, and Arya had to set her free in order to save her from the Kingsguard. Seeing as Arya is headed back in that direction, it looks like we’ll have a fluffy reunion in our future.

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This was fun. Hopefully you made it this far, laughed at my jokes, and perhaps learned a thing or two.