Today is normally like Christmas Eve, but this year’s NFL schedule release was like getting a cat when all you’ve ever wanted was a dog. The Jets will be facing 5 playoff teams from 2016, including the Super Bowl Champion Patriots twice, and NFC Champion Falcons (Miami, Kansas City, and Oakland are the others). On top of that, they’re slated to go against the Broncos and Bucs, who both were tied for their respective Wild Cards at the end of last season but lost the tiebreakers. So, for those of you counting at home, at least 9 games on the 2017 schedule are against playoff-caliber teams. That isn’t counting one of the best offenses in the league in New Orleans, and a former MVP trying to turn around his team in Cam Newton and the Panthers. Strap in folks, this year could get ugly.

With about 5 months to go before Week 1, which includes the Draft, training camp, and linebackers punching quarterbacks, I’m here to give you the season preview that nobody wants, needs, or asked for.

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Week 1 @ Buffalo:

I like to call the first game against the Bills the “oh shit are we good?” game. Every year it seems like the Jets come out smoking hot and embarrass the Bills despite being overmatched across the field. With CB Stephon Gilmore leaving Buffalo to join the bad guys in Massachusetts, the Jets may capitalize on some mismatches with Eric Decker and the rest of the young guns that aren’t suspended.

This will also be the game that Josh McCown or whatever bum starts Week 1 lights up the stat sheet and teases our hearts.

Week 2 @ Oakland:

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The “oh shit we are not good” game, as I like to call it. With Derek Carr coming back from his leg injury, possibly Marshawn Lynch coming out of retirement, and Amari Cooper running free downfield, this could be a horrible terrible no good very bad day. Khalil Mack might break the single game sack record as well.

Week 3 vs. Miami:

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The “hey somebody should cover Jarvis Landry” game. Or maybe the Jets will get called for an offsides penalty on the final kickoff again.

Week 4 vs. Jacksonville

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The battle of the kickers. Odds are no touchdowns are scored and the final score is 9-6. Combine Blake Bortles with Josh McCown/Bryce Petty/Christian Hackenberg/Rookie QB and that’s a whole lot of turnovers and missed opportunities. Good thing the Jets just signed Chandler Catanzaro this offseason, who was just 75% on FG kicks last season.

Week 5 @ Cleveland

Josh McCown headed back to his former city to play his former team. I bet he plays so poorly that even Browns fans will be making fun of him. This is the “the Browns aren’t half bad” game.

Week 6 vs. New England

Hide the women and children this one could get ugly.

Week 7 @ Miami

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The “hey why is nobody covering Jarvis Landry still” game. A couple bubble screen TDs by Landry combined with some Jay Ajayi sounds like a good recipe to sulk over for the rest of the week.

Week 8 vs. Atlanta

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Yeah lets see what the NFC Champions and reigning MVP can do against the bum ass Jets. Julio Jones can play the whole game with one arm tied behind his back and he’ll go 6-130-2.

Week 9 vs. Buffalo (Thursday Night Football)

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The “national embarrassment” game. This game will only be available on the NFL Network so hopefully nobody watches. After being a part of 4 national games last year, and getting flexed out of another one, it is definitely a good thing that the 2017 Jets will be a well-kept secret to most of the country.

Week 10 @ Tampa Bay

Jameis Winston is going to have his breakout season with the help of DeSean Jackson and Mike Evans. For Tampa Bay, this game is going to be like when you’re driving and feel a bump when you take your eyes off the road for a second and ask your passenger if you hit something.

Week 11 – BYE

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Week 12 vs. Carolina

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The Jets will be in prime position to lock up a nice early draft pick in 2018 and then they’ll miraculously win this game. Hackenberg will probably either start or get in the game in the 2nd half and throw a couple bombs to Robby Anderson to win late in the 4th.

Week 13 vs. Kansas City

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Remember last year when Ryan Fitzpatrick threw 6 INTs against Kansas City? The Jets will do much better this year. Maybe they’ll only throw 5.

Week 14 @ Denver

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The Broncos will probably be in the playoff hunt and Aqib Talib will take a couple INTs to the house. I think that Demaryius Thomas and Emmanuel Sanders will be way too much to handle for whoever the Jets trot out in their secondary.

Week 15 @ New Orleans

Drew Brees is going to lead to Saints to 50+ points and the Jets simply won’t be able to keep up. 56-31 or something sounds about right. The Brees-Ingram-Thomas DraftKings stack is going to be fire.

Week 16 vs. LA Chargers

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I think the Jets sneak away with a victory here in the cold weather on Christmas Eve. It just makes perfect sense for them to win meaningless games late in the season to ruin their draft position. Also Philip Rivers is always good for a late season meltdown to miss the playoffs.

Week 17 @ New England

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The Pats will probably start Jimmy G (if they don’t trade him) and the rest of the backups since they’ll be 13-2 or something at this point. Unfortunately, their backups are just as good, if not better than the Jets. Or maybe the Pats will lose kind of on purpose so the Jets drop down a couple picks in the draft because they’re soulless and evil.

 

All in all, I’ve got 5 wins MAX for the Jets this season, but realistically they’d be lucky to win 2. They’re in the middle of an ugly rebuild, but the silver lining is that their young guys (hopefully) will get plenty of reps which in the long run will help the team a lot. Assuming the Jets won’t draft Deshaun Watson, Mitchell Trubisky, or Patrick Mahomes II next week, the hashtags #SuckForSam and #TankForDarnold will be in full force.