Given the recent events I’ll be renaming “7 Days of 7 Sports” to “The Mother Of All Blogs” because I’ll be dropping massive non-nuclear bombs of knowledge into your eyeholes whether you want it or not. Besides that, nothing else is changing. Hit it.

1. MLB

We’re two weeks into the regular season and just as we expected, the Baltimore Orioles boast the best record in the MLB, Eric Thames leads the league in homers, and Wily Peralta leads the league in wins. It’s a weird time out there, and this cat showed that he wasn’t kitten around and wanted to get up on the weird Marlins home run thing right meow.

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Kris Bryant is coming off of an MVP season as well as a World Series win and has high aspirations to repeat both accomplishments this year. After a sluggish start to the season, he decided that he had to switch a couple things up:

His BP into the Chicago River worked, as he hit a league high 465-foot home run off the scoreboard (451 was the projected distance). There have been 6 balls hit off the scoreboard, and 4 of them have come off the bat of Kris Bryant.

Yoenis Cespedes put on a show of his own. Don’t complain that it’s in Spanish you puta.

Speaking of a former MVP trying to regain his mojo….

April 15th was Jackie Robinson Day, and the Dodgers unveiled their new statue honoring the one and only.

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2. NBA

Isaiah Thomas’ sister Chyna passed away tragically in an automobile accident on Saturday. In a game reminiscent of Brett Favre when he threw for 399 yards and 4 TDs the day after his father’s death, Isaiah played the first game of the Celtics’ series vs the Bulls with the support of Boston, the NBA, and anybody with a heart.

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Despite losing the game 106-102, Isaiah came out of the gates hot and ended up with a game-high 33 points and a +12 +/- on the court.

In other, happier news, the playoffs have arrived. That means we’re all in for a couple months of having competitive games on every single night. With each series only being one game in, there already are some upsets brewing. The Bucks, Jazz, and Bulls all won Game 1 as underdogs, and the Pacers missed a shot at the buzzer to take down the Cavaliers.

Marcin Gortat showed why they call him “The Polish Hammer” and all but guaranteed that the Wizards will be advancing to the next round:

John Wall even hit ’em with the Jordan shrug:

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“Who is she?” – your girlfriend if she’s looking over your shoulder right now, probably:

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Iso Joe Johnson did it on the Clippers:

P.S. *eyes emoji*

3. NHL

My new favorite sport is so much fun to watch. I stay up every night watching random games like Oilers-Sharks or Flames-Ducks and I’m on the edge of my seat.

This man on the Rangers hit this other man on the Canadians (stupid name) into the Rangers bench and it was one of the coolest things I’ve ever seen. I don’t think this is a common occurrence but I sure as shit hope it is.

These are fire, too. Mats Zuccarello always brings the heat.

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I learned that this kind of play isn’t legal, but it certainly is fun to watch. Kick him off the tour Doug!

Also, those asshole Maple Leafs (stupid and grammatically incorrect name) beat the Caps in double OT when they knew good and well that that’s who I picked to hold up the Cup at the end of all this.

P.S. Looks like a night out in New Britain to me.

4. NFL

Tony Romo signed a one-day contract with the Dallas Mavericks and was breaking ankles and taking names out on the court.

Just kidding, he didn’t get in:

I’m not going to say anything about this but 12-gauge threw a 66-yard bomb in Timbs, mind you, at the Ohio State spring game. I was hoping that Tyrod Taylor would go to a different team this offseason so that Cardale could compete for a starting job this year, but my dreams may go forever unfulfilled.

Eli Manning’s emails were……intercepted… and he may or may not have been involved in some fraudulent memorabilia scandal. However, the emails (dated from 2010) have passed the five year statute of limitations, so it is very very very unlikely that Eli would be subject to criminal prosecution. The lawsuit also lists Tiki Barber and Osi Umenyiora as former athletes that allegedly took fake equipment and described them as game-used. Lots of noise in my opinion, but no substance. If it even gets to that point, trial would start on September 25th.

While we’re on the topic of law….

Aaron Hernandez was found not guilty of murder (double homicide) from 2012. The exact details may never be known, but it’s entirely possible that he’s serving a life sentence for a homicide that he committed to cover up this double homicide that he may have been found not guilty of anyway. Perhaps in 20 years we’ll be watching American Crime Story Volume 2. Tebow’s going to remember him as the one that got away.

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5. UFC

Demetrius Johnson could beat you and I up. He’s defended his title 10 consecutive times, tying Anderson (I hit ’em with the high kicks) Silva for the most in UFC history. He remains at the top of the best pound for pound fighter. DJ won by submission and dominated Wilson Reis from start to finish.

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Cub Swanson and Artem Lobov headline next week’s UFC Fight Night in Nashville, Tennessee. Cub by a hundred thousand trillion.

Y’all just wait until my girl PVZ is back out there:

Morning grind ✔️@coach_dave_wl

A post shared by Paige VanZant (@paigevanzantufc) on

6. PGA

Hometown golfer Wesley Bryan won the RBC Heritage in Hilton Head, SC, at -13. Instead of earning a green jacket like the Masters, the winner at RBC receives a flannel jacket:

c9ldx3jvwaa-oxeHow much did Wesley Bryan win, you ask? A cool $1,170,000.00. A lot of the household names took this week off after training hard for the Masters, but a win is a win is a win.

Meanwhile, Ian Poulter had a tough time dealing with the resident badass:

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….Almost made it through a golf roundup without a Happy Gilmore reference. Maybe next time.

7. NCAAF

Texas Longhorn coach Tom Herman had himself a week. First, his “hydration chart”….leaked.

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Don’t ever let yourself become a BAD GUY!!! If a petition to get this chart in every bathroom in America existed, I’d sign it.

Wanna see the most over the top locker of all time? Tom Herman unveiled his new locker room design:

Each locker has a 43″ flat screen and lights that give the locker that glowing look. They’re valued at $10,500 apiece.

It’s also spring game season, which means we get to see if any teams have teammates that don’t get along, or if any teams just have assholes. Lets find out.

 

Finally, I’ll leave you with this. PJ Fleck is the new coach at Minnesota and decided to get the fans involved in a punt returning drill. This is definitely worth a watch, especially with the announcers giving it a play-by-play. Until next time, this was the Mother of All Blogs.