I’m going to try something new here. Every Monday from now until football season (maybe just until Game of Thrones season) I’m going to broaden my horizons by summarizing the events from 7 relevant sports over the previous 7 days. Sports may range from baseball to hockey to tennis to NASCAR, and that’s going to be the charm of this. We’ll all learn new things and maybe we’ll find something that we never knew we’d like.

1. PGA Tour

SERGIOOOOOOOO! Sergio Garcia finally won his first major in his 71st attempt after sinking this putt to beat Justin Rose in Sudden Death.

Sergio was a huge underdog and hadn’t placed higher than 12th in any event this year. He went home with $1,980,000.00 in winnings.

Here’s the final leaderboard you filthy animals.

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The big story surrounding The Masters this year was the absence of #1 golfer Dustin Johnson. A report surfaced late Wednesday evening that he suffered a back injury falling down the stairs at his rental home and his status for competing this weekend was questionable. Another thing that was questionable was his reasoning behind why he fell down the stairs. While he claims to have fallen down a small flight of three stairs while playing with one of his children, his past run-ins with drugs and alcohol (and women) have raised suspicions of perhaps another Tiger Woods situation on our hands. Gotta keep Paulina happy, DJ.

Who's Your Caddy? @djohnsonpga..🙋🏼💚⛳️

A post shared by Paulina Gretzky (@paulinagretzky) on

P.S. If Happy Gilmore could play after this, Dustin Johnson could have played after a couple measly stairs.

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P.P.S. This was cool:

2. NHL

Fun fact I went to my first hockey game about 10 days ago at the Garden. My Grandma took me to see the Rangers play the Penguins and I watched motherfucking cocksucking Sidney Crosby score a goal in regulation and then this one the end the game:

Also, 3-on-3 hockey is like skydiving out of a jet in a motorcycle while doing crack. I don’t think I took a single breath. Despite the loss, going to a game was a blast and I look forward to increasing my fandom in the future. Luckily for us, it is now playoff SZN for the NHL. Here’s how it looks:

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This is me admitting that I know even less than Jon Snow, but this year’s Washington Capitals/Chicago Blackhawks final is going to be crazy. Fasten your seat belts because playoffs start Wednesday.

P.S. Stop cutting onions.

3. NCAA Basketball

The UNC Tar Heels defeated the Gonzaga Bulldogs 71-65 in perhaps the worst championship game in NCAA basketball history. There were 44 fouls called in 40 minutes of play. This play was also ruled a jump ball, giving the ball to UNC with about a minute left to play and Gonzaga down only a point:

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What’re you gonna do. The players didn’t play well, either. Both teams combined to shoot 34.8% from the floor, 26.1% from 3, and 61.5% from the line. You see this every year when the final four games are played in huge stadiums that mess up everyone’s shots. Congrats to Roy Williams for passing Tyler Olander in career titles won.

In other news, Wichita State officially joined the American Athletic Conference, which basically was a last ditch effort to make the AAC competitive and relevant. Wichita State finished the season ranked #21 in the nation, in front of fellow AAC members Cincinnati (#22) and SMU (#23). The way too early 2017-2018 predictions consistently have Wichita State as a top 10 team in the nation which definitely would help the American Athletic Conference as a whole. They need UConn, Memphis, and a couple other teams to play much better to gain more credibility come next Selection Sunday.

Here’s a name you’ll want to remember: Michael Porter Jr. He led Team USA to a 98-87 victory over Team World in the 20th annual Nike Hoop Summit. Michael Porter Jr. recently decomitted from Washington after they fired Lorenzo Romar and he decided to commit to Missouri, where his father is an assistant coach. He has since been recruiting fellow uncommitted high school recruits, and Missouri is slowly building a basketball empire in the SEC. This guy’s the real deal.

4. MLB

Major League Baseball is back in full swing. We’re only one week into the season, so it’s time for some extreme overreactions. The Arizona Diamondbacks are 6-1, and the Minnesota Twins are 5-1, are they both actually good? The Seattle Mariners are 1-6, and the San Francisco Giants are 2-5, are they both actually bad?

The latest and greatest twist to baseball this season is the new intentional walk rule. Instead of physically pitching four balls, you now simply tell the batter to go to first base in an attempt to speed up the game. However, by the time the hitter and umpire both realize what is going on, just as much time has gone by that would have been needed to throw four balls. What a world.

Baseball’s return also means that we get to see pitchers do weird things on the base paths:

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On Giants pitcher runs on all fours around the bases, and another hits absolute bombs. Madison Bumgarner is only one dinger behind the NL leaders.

That’s one big “Baby Bomber”.

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Baseball is weird.

P.S. I’ll just leave these here….

5. NBA

You need to stop what you’re doing and watch Russell Westbrook play basketball. He hit a 36-footer at the buzzer to win their 46th game, while eliminating the Denver Nuggets from the playoffs. That brought Westbrook up to 50 points for the game, and it was the icing on the cake for his 42nd triple-double of the season, breaking Oscar Robertson’s single-season record. Kobe Bryant and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar COMBINED for 42 CAREER triple-doubles. Ladies and gentlemen, Russell Westbrook should 1000% be your 2016-2017 NBA MVP. Westbrook is also the first person since Oscar Robertson to average a triple-double for the entire season.

All 8 seeds in the Western Conference are locked in, with the Utah Jazz and Los Angeles Clippers battling for the 4th seed. They’ll play each other regardless of the outcome. The match ups:

Warriors vs. Trail Blazers

Spurs vs. Grizzlies

Rockets vs. Thunder Harden vs. Westbrook

Jazz vs. Clippers

The Eastern Conference is still a clusterfuck with the Pacers, Bulls, and Heat lobbying for the 7 and 8 seeds. The Hawks and Bucks clinched a playoff spot, but could fall down a couple of seeds if they lose their last two games. The Cavaliers and Celtics are currently tied for 1st in the East at 51-29. Don’t let Russell Westbrook’s huge day distract you from the fact that the Cavs blew a 26-point lead on Sunday. With only two games left in the season, a whole lot can happen throughout the NBA.

 

ows_144598944428105With a likely top-7 pick in the NBA Draft next season, the league might start yellin’ Timber soon.

6. NFL

Tony Romo finally signed with a new team:

However, before Tony joins Jim Nantz in the booth, he’ll don a Dallas Mavericks uniform for one final hoorah Tuesday night.

In exact opposite NFL news:

Money Lynch is close to un-retiring and joining the future Las Vegas Raiders. There are some “i’s” to dot and “t’s” to cross but this seems very likely to happen. With Latavius Murray signing with the Minnesota Vikings, the Raiders have only a couple inexperienced running backs on their roster. You know he’s gon’ get his more than he gets got doe.

Developing Stories…..

7. Arm Wrestling

Hey, I said any sport can find it’s way in here, so here….we…..go.

30 or more current and former NFL players went to the MGM Grand Casino in Las Vegas this weekend to compete in the Pro Football Arm Wrestling Championship and are now being investigated by the NFL. The event will aired on CBS on May 27th, 28th, and June 3rd, but may be in direct violation of the NFL’s gambling rules. Although most (maybe all) of the prize money will be donated to the winner’s charity of choice, the NFL may try to fine or penalize the players that participated in this event. Players such as James Harrison, Marshawn Lynch, Kenny Stills, NaVorro Bowman, Maurkice Pouncey, Marquette King, Mario Edwards, Patrick Chung, Mychal Kendricks, LaMarr Woodley, Lucky Whitehead, Eric Kendricks, and Arthur Moats were all in attendance, to only name a few. They weren’t exactly hiding it either, as all of their Instagram accounts are flooded with pictures of the event, including hashtags and t-shirts that say exactly what they are doing.

Perhaps this was a public middle finger to the NFL and their stance on legalized gambling. The NFL banned Tony Romo from hosting a fantasy football event in Las Vegas in 2015, but now have announced that they are moving the Raiders from Oakland to Las Vegas in a couple years. One thing I do know for sure is that I’ll be tuned into CBS on May 27th to see which NFL player is the mightiest arm wrestler of them all.

 

 

And that’s it. 7 sports summaries from the past 7 days. I hope you all learned something new and exciting, and maybe I’ll see you all again next week. Until then…