There are many reasons to watch the Super Bowl tonight. Perhaps you’re a fan of the New England Patriots or Atlanta Falcons, maybe you’re a fan of the game who isn’t ready to wait 6 months to watch your own team, or maybe you’ve got your ingrate son’s college fund riding on the Pats to cover that 3-point spread. All of which are valid reasons, but none are why the majority of the event’s 150 million annual viewers tune in. The masses come for the food, because what else is the Super Bowl but a national holiday where we celebrate the beautiful sin of gluttony ?

I’m not trying to shame you America, I’m totally into it, and as The Daily Dart’s resident foodie (husky boy), I feel it’s my obligation to bring you the definitive top 5 list of Super Bowl foods. Let’s get it.

  1. Pizza

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Don’t get me wrong, I love a good slice, and if the pizza aesthetic better fit the event, it could have definitely been higher on the list. Now, I bet you’re thinking “Kap, Papa John legally owns the Super Bowl and Peyton Manning.” Let me stop you right there, Papa John doesn’t sell pizza, just the idea of it. I would sooner use a slice of Papa John’s Pizza to wash my face with than to satiate my hunger. If you’re craving pizza this Sunday, order from a family pizza parlor, like Domino’s.

  1. 6-Foot Sub

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There are few occasions where a 6-foot sub is a tasteful choice (pun intended), a Super Bowl party is one of them. Why is this such a great choice? Easy, the leftovers. If your party features a 6-foot sub, I can GUARANTEE that three feet of it will be left come Matt Bryant’s game-winning field goal. Assuming you have a brain in your head and mortgaged your house to bet the Pats, it’s also about this time that you’ll realize your marriage is about to end. You’re going to need those three feet of salami and pepperoni on Italian when you’re living in your car.

  1. Nachos

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Listen, I think there’s a case for nachos being in the five or four spot as well, but it’s my list get over it. This is a food stuff that mixes many, if not all, of the sporting event garbage foods. You’ve got chuck ground beef, melted cheese, sour cream, and guacamole all served on a thin piece of salt. What really damns this from a top two spot is the fact that 85% of the chips will have little to none of the ingredients on them. Yes, I’m aware of taco dip. No, it’s not the same thing.

  1. Wings

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Boom! A buffalo hot take here in the two hole, wings are not, in fact, the greatest Super Bowl food. I love wings, you love wings, so I’m not going to waste your time telling you why they’re great. Instead, this is what kept them from the top spot. Above all else, the mess is my problem. Every time anyone has ever eaten wings in the history of linear time the end result is dirty fingers and a Joker’s smile of sauce. It’s a bad look for a party, and no matter how hard you try to clean up, you’re going to miss some. Also, Buffalo Wild Wings admitted to match fixing in their commercials, WAKE UP GOODELL!

  1. Buffalo Chicken Dip

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Let me make this short, sweet, and to the point; buffalo chicken dip takes what’s good about nachos and wings and leaves behind any negatives. If your Super Bowl party doesn’t have buffalo chicken wing dip, you’re a terrible host. If you attend a party without it, you thank the host/hostess for the lovely evening, and then key their car on the way out. I’ll reiterate, it’s “The Perfect Super Bowl Food.”