A little background, we moved in above Steve and his wife on Jul 1st, 2016. Realistically, Steve is probably 33 years old. The bags under his eyes say otherwise, he is 58. You don’t need to know what Steve looks like but I can’t help but tell you that he looks like the human offspring if somehow Big Bird and Gumby were able to create human life.

It’s 2:32pm on a Saturday on January 28th, 7 months after we moved in. It’s Newport’s birthday weekend. Logic is bumping ‘Young Jesus’ on the new Bose, and it is not on volume 3.

Let’s just lay this out there, no one wants to be Steve, even Steve doesn’t want to be Steve. But there is a root of evil behind Steve’s actions. Like many unfortunate men, it stems from the lady laying next to him at night. Haven’t taken the time to learn his wife’s name yet, but for the sake of this story we will call her Debbie. While Steve may have come up to tell his to “tone it down”, we all know deep down this guy wanted to be us. He remembers a time when he used to go out with an expired condom and $20, and it was the best nights of his life……Now he’s fucking miserable.

Steve’s January 28th, Saturday:

  1. Wake up at 5:45 a.m., to walk his wife’s wiener dog named Lulu, Steve fucking hates Lulu.
  2. By 7 a.m. Steve is completely in the swing of his misery, by now he has been yelled at 3 times, for his new haircut, the sink full of dishes, and for not making sure that Lulu took a dump.
  3. 11 a.m. rolls around, and now Steve is on the ropes, he’s been to Dunkin Donuts twice, Shop Rite to buy salad when he wants a burger, and Lulu’s grooming appointment. He is balls deep in misery, and thinks he can only go up from there.
  4. 12:30pm – Makes a cold cut deli meat sandwich for lunch because his wife did not make for him. (He forgot to put mayonnaise on it but had already sat down)
  5. 12:32pm – LuLu shits on the carpet that his wife just bought with his money.
  6. 12:33pm – Debbie walks in, notices the shit on the “carpet I just bought with my money” and yells at David.
  7. After cleaning up dog shit off the carpet his wife bought but he paid for, David realizes he needs to go for a walk to blow off steam before he does something drastic.
  8. He walks around for about 2 hours
  9. 2:28pm he walks in the door and the 3 idiots who live above him bring the first smile to his face as they are bumping a tune that he just can’t help but vibe to ( if you forgot, it’s ‘Young Jesus’ y Logic https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O601PVTd0g8
  10. . But his wife is not having any part of it and at 2:31pm she tells him “Go upstairs, tell those idiots to lower the music, or get out of this apartment that you are paying for”
  11. It’s 2:32pm and he can’t believe he just knocked on our door because he does not want to do this, we keep this guy young and happy.
  12. Here goes nothing“Hey guys, it’s been pretty consistent with the noise, I don’t mind really, but do you think maybe you can just turn it down just a little bit” – Steve

Long dart short, we gave him our number and he will now “text us anytime you need us to lower the music”.

Which means anytime his wife is ‘having a day’, we will be receiving a text from Steve.

Shhhhhhhheeeeeeit.