Each year we come across that one weekend that is set up for an ultimate disappointment in sports. Well, with the fan favorite Pro Bowl, and the nail biting NHL All-Star Game in place, this weekend is an early favorite for the 2017 title. Yes, I know the Knicks are still playing Friday and Sunday, and if you want to go watch Melo’s hefty ass get upset by the Hornets, and absolutely dominated by the Hawks… be my guest. But you’re going to be more miserable then those of us who have resorted to watching re-runs of the Williams sisters face off in the Australian Open Championship.

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Imagine actually going to the Pro-Bowl, while it would be cool to go and chirp your fantasy players, there really isn’t much to be pumped up for. Truthfully, the most exciting part of the weekend would be the potential of finding Matt Prater in a bar. But to those try-hards that insist on watching, keep me updated on a few things. First and foremost, let me know who wins the dodge ball game, because that will undoubtedly be the most competitive event all weekend. Also, let’s all pray to god that OBJ left the rest of the Giants receivers at home, as we’re all still having nightmares from their last quest to Florida.

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Then we have the NHL All-Star events. While I don’t hate the 3 on 3 all-star setup, the lack of games limits me from executing my weekend hockey parlay, in which I am 0 for 18 this year. Another huge let-down of the all-star break, is when all of the European born Rangers go home for the long weekend, then come back four days later and play like absolute shit. It happens year after year, and never lets me down. While this is definitely something to worry about, the Rangers aren’t in the most danger. The Blackhawks have the privilege of sending the unsupervised Patrick Kane, to the quiet little town of Los Angeles, for 4 days, where absolutely nothing can go wrong….. This is the same guy whose mom had to go to the Olympics with him to keep him out of trouble, and that was in the no name wasteland of Socchi, Russia….

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And finally, this is the weekend when we likely hear those first assholes say “pitchers and catchers are reporting to camp soon.” Sick dude, go to Tampa and let me know how Pineda’s afternoon catch with Sanchez went.  The only thing related to baseball that we should be talking about right now is Tebow’s virginity. We can talk about the Yankees after the Rangers win the Stanley Cup this year, it’s a 162-game season, don’t be selfish.

And to top it all off, tomorrow is my birthday. Carmelo is going to ruin my fucking birthday.

-Newport News