Don’t bet- INVEST


Sports “gambling” is a sure lock. You need to spend money in order to make money. Why does one invest money in the first place? To make more money, obviously. Let’s turn one piggy bank into two.


What’s with this negative connotation that is sports gambling. Stock market investments are based on predictable outcomes per public knowledge, external factors, competition and the idea of analyzing return versus risk.

Let’s compare this to sport wagering-

  • Public knowledge (matchups, statistics, injury reports)
  • External factors (weather, rule changes, human officiating error)
  • Risk/Return (money lines, spreads)


Same deal, unfortunately, I’ve yet to find a college that offers a major in Sports Betting. Why the fuck did my college degree, $3 piece of paper not mention this?


My semester should have looked something like this and then maybe, just maybe I wouldn’t be suckered into buying some safe stocks to yield .002% in the next year.

Intro to Spreads 101

Intermediate Money Lines 202

Diversified Sport Portfolio 303

Joel Embiid FUCKS 404


Here is tonight’s investment. Fuck diversifying- Lakers are due for a W, running hot on Phoenix (See exhibit B), Dallas coming in complacent off a win against the terrible Knicks and Wes Matthews is still banged up. Gotta give IU and the Pacers a shot at plus money.

The James Madison bet is probably a stretch, but who doesn’t love a good stretch. You’re in the bar, good buzz going on see a solid 8.4. You know you’re a 5. You don’t expect to get laid here, but fuck it, spill your drink on her, start a convo a roll the dice.

Even if you lose, (which you won’t) you’re still the fucking man.

Exhibit A


Exhibit B