Way Too Early 2018 Jets Mock Draft

Whether they’re intending on it or not, the New York Football Jets are tanking. It may be disguised as a competitive rebuild, but make no mistake, this isn’t a team that is actively trying to win this year. If you for some reason disagree with me, just watch their final play of the game on Sunday:

“So much for razzle dazzle.” The announcers talked about how to defend the upcoming Hail Mary attempt, suggesting that the Panthers throw some of their tallest and most sure-handed players deep downfield, mainly Devin Funchess. The Jets elected to throw a quick hitter to Jermaine Kearse, who dove for a first down instead of starting some schoolyard bullshit with either Robby Anderson or Josh McCown trailing close behind him.

That play was the final nail in the coffin that is the 2017 Jets season. My expectations weren’t high coming into it, and to be honest they already surpassed even my wildest dreams for this year. They’ve been competitive in every game besides losing to the Raiders in Week 2. They played tight with the Patriots and Falcons, only to fall due to late game errors. They went toe to toe with the 8-3 Panthers and once again shot themselves in the foot on the final play of the game, a punt return TD, and coughing up a fumble for another score. They took down the AFC South leading Jaguars. The rookies that have played this season have been bright spots in Jamal Adams, Marcus Maye, and Elijah McGuire. The ILBs have taken a step forward in Darron Lee and Demario Davis. Josh McCown and the team as a whole have limited their turnovers while having a positive turnover rate (for now). There’s a lot to build on.

But. As both the NFL regular season and CFB season are unwinding, a new season is just beginning. Draft SZN, that is. I’ve been watching a lot more college football this season, knowing that the Jets are seriously considering taking one of the many very talented QBs in this upcoming draft. I’ve been toying around on a website called, where you can mock draft with all 32 teams for all 7 rounds. It’s pretty realistic, and after using it a bunch before last year’s draft, the names that were available in the simulation were actually quite accurate. I delved in today and picked up these 2 draft classes for the Jets:

DRAFT #1 – The ‘Get a QB in Free Agency’ Plan

The Jets have a big decision to make this offseason at the Quarterback position. With Jimmy G getting traded to the 49ers, Kirk Cousins is probably atop the list of QBs the Jets should target in free agency. He’ll demand a hefty contract, but the Jets need a top-10 QB if they ever want to seriously contend. Drew Brees could be an interesting short-term option, and Alex Smith is another option that I’m not all too crazy about. But say they sign one of those 3 guys, this is a draft class that I could be into:

9: R1P9

His draft stock may have fallen a bit due to a series of injuries, but Arden Key is a beast. He’s got some Jadeveon Clowney in him, meaning that when he wants to, he’s going to get you, no matter who you put in front of him. The Jets desperately need an edge rusher, and Arden Key is just that. Consecutive years for the Jets taking a defender from LSU in the 1st round? I don’t hate it.

41: R2P9

If Malik Jefferson is available in the early 2nd round, the Jets better take him. If he were to slip to day 2, I’d consider trading up for pick #1, similar to what the Giants did a few years back with Landon Collins. With Demario Davis’ contract ending after this season, Jefferson could immediately fill in next to Darron Lee at ILB.

51: R2P19

Nick Chubb has the power and speed to be a three-down back in the NFL. With two older RBs in Matt Forte and Bilal Powell on the roster, the Jets drafted Elijah McGuire last year. He’s been solid in his limited snaps this season, and he would be a great compliment to Nick Chubb, should he be drafted here. Chubb can pound the rock, while McGuire is a proven pass catcher. The Jets haven’t had an all-around solid RB since Thomas Jones. Time to change that.

73: R3P9

The Jets drafted two CBs last year that won’t touch the field this year. Both are considered long-term projects as well. Jalen Davis is much less of a project who has taken over a few games this year. He can join Jamal Adams, Marcus Maye, and Morris Claiborne (if they re-sign him) in what would be a very respectable secondary.

111: R4P9

First Team All-ACC Guard. Proven Champion with the potential to repeat this year. I’m here for it.

154: R5P16

More often than not, NFL teams find their franchise QB in Days 2 and 3. I wrote about that here. Luke Falk is a QB with pro potential that can be a late-round steal.

188: R6P9

The Jets need some DL depth. Drew Bailey is a big body that can replace Mike Pennel/Kony Ealy/Steve McClendon if/when they leave.

DRAFT #2 – The ‘Draft your Franchise QB’ Plan

9: R1P9

Chosen Rosen. It’s a tough call deciding which QB will be the best coming out in this class. Rosen, Sam Darnold, Baker Mayfield, Lamar Jackson, Mason Rudolph, Drew Lock, Jake Browning, Luke Falk, Josh Allen, Will Grier. I’m sure somebody that I forgot will end up being the Hall of Famer. I was a fan of Josh Rosen coming into this year and his performance this year didn’t change my mind in the slightest. He’s handled the bright lights and expectations in Los Angeles with some outstanding performances and seems to have the “it” factor. His comeback against Texas A&M in Week 1 was jaw-dropping:

41: R2P9

The Jets need an edge rusher. Okoronkwo is just that. Not sure where exactly his home will be on the defense, but this guy makes plays.

51: R2P19

I unfortunately don’t think that Josh Jackson will be available this late in the draft. He’s not YET a household name, but he will be soon. Despite being considered as a tier below Tarvarus McFadden, Denzel Ward, and Ken Webster, I think that he absolutely belongs in that group.

73: R3P9

He’s one of the more experienced RBs on the board, as he holds the Pac-12 record for rushing TDs. I think I have a soft spot in my heart for Oregon speed backs due to their excellence in NCAAF 2014 for Xbox, but Freeman would definitely be a solid addition to this team.

111: R4P9

Shades of Ndamukong Suh. Might not reach his ceiling, but he has a high motor, making plays far away from his position. A few character concerns on & off the field, but he’s a game changer.

154: R5P16

There are rumors of Smith, one of USC’s captains, returning to school next year. If he doesn’t, the Jets would get a great, smart, and instinctive linebacker.

188: R6P9

Bentley Spain is a 6’6″ 300lb OT that can one day make it as a solid LT in the NFL. Build the offensive line through the draft to protect your new QB.


It’s been a fun chat. Definitely check out and play with the draft simulation if you’re into that kinda stuff. Of course, a lot can happen between now and the end of Week 17, as the Jets can end up anywhere between the 3rd pick and one up in the high teens. Either way, with college football bowl season around the corner, this is a fun time to soak in some college football, check out some prospects, and throw down some bets.

Until next time……

NFL Week 11 Picks

Shit I’m about to become a full time college connoisseur and drop this NFL bit. It’s incredible how little research I put into CFB picks and how much I put into my NFL ones, given the results. The New York Football Giants decided that they didn’t want to play last week and once again my cover team lost. So now I tossed Gronk and 8 of his friends on the cover the switch up the juju, no smith-schuster. Esketit.



Tampa Bay Buccaneers (+2.5) @ Miami Dolphins

The Miami Dolphins looked atrocious last Monday Night in their loss to the Panthers. They looked like a team that was completely checked out. They woke up Jonathan Stewart, Devin Funchess was unguardable, and Cam Newton ran for 95 yards.

The Bucs have a similar offensive situation as the Panthers. Mike Evans is fresh off his one game suspension and is Randy Moss compared to Devin Funchess. Doug Martin is a burly RB that can ground and pound just as well as Jonathan Stewart. Ryan Fitzpatrick offers sneaky rushing upside and isn’t afraid to dive head first to gain a couple extra yards.

Mike Evans’ suspension was a blessing in disguise as it gave the Bucs an opportunity to give rookie WR Chris Godwin starting reps last week. He turned 10 targets into 5 receptions for 68 yards on the way to a 15-10 victory against the Jets. The Bucs now have Godwin, Evans, and DeSean Jackson as viable outside threats to go with Adam Humphries in the slot and Cameron Brate/OJ Howard at TE.

The Dolphins give up 116 yards per game on the ground and just gave up 294 on Monday night. They have just 5 days to prepare for a Bucs team that is slowly getting healthier. If CB Vernon Hargreaves is healthy enough to go, then the Dolphins are really in trouble. They’ve been outscored 112-45 their past 3 games

Buffalo Bills @ Los Angeles Chargers (-4.5)

Who the fook is that guy? I’ll tell ya. Nathan Peterman started his collegiate career at Tennessee. Injuries and the emergence of now Steelers third string QB Joshua Dobbs limited Peterman’s playing time, and he transferred to Pitt. It was there that he and now Steelers backup RB James Conner took down Deshaun Watson and the #2 ranked Clemson Tigers last season. Peterman was the only QB to beat Watson last year. Peterman also met God himself when he was in middle school:


Now that you know Nathan Peterman’s backstory, let’s get into the game. The Chargers are a tough draw for Peterman’s first start. Casey Hayward is one of the best cover CBs in the league, and Trevor Williams has emerged as a phenomenal replacement to Jason Verrett. Tre Boston has been a hawk as well. Nathan Peterman is not nearly the dual threat that Tyrod Taylor was, so the Chargers will likely stack the box and blitz early and often to 1 make Peterman uncomfortable, and 2 try to eliminate LeSean McCoy. If McCoy gets locked up, that will force Peterman to throw the ball more than anybody on the Bills would like, and that means that sooner or later a Charger defender will make a play. Hayward should be able to handle Kelvin Benjamin, leaving a banged up Charles Clay and Jordan Matthews in another tough matchup as the only viable options for Peterman.

The Bills have also been getting destroyed on the ground as of late. This is a Melvin Gordon explosion spot. Mark Ingram and Alvin Kamara sliced and diced the Bills all game last week, and I bet the Bills are regretting trading away Marcell Dareus more and more each day. I like the Chargers’ experience here over the many question marks that this Bills team has currently.

New England Patriots (-6.5) @ Oakland Raiders


The “Yo Soy Fiesta” man himself is headed south of the border to take on the Oakland Raiders. Bill Belichick probably sees this entire charade as an inconvenience and will have no mercy for Oakland. The Pats have been practicing at the Air Force Academy in Colorado to get acclimated to the high altitude in Mexico City. They also just played in Denver last week in a dominating victory, so they should be more than acclimated by Sunday.

New England Patriots,Air Force Academy

After some defensive struggles to start the season, the Patriots have held opposing teams to 17 points or less in five consecutive games. They have scored 20 or more points in all but 1 game this season, a 19-14 victory against Tampa Bay in Week 5. With Rex Burkhead and Dion Lewis being healthy and the signing of Martellus Bennett, the Pats rolled on all cylinders last week and will lock up the AFC East sooner than later. Chris Hogan is still at least a week away from being ready to play, but this Pats offense is already nearly unstoppable.

As I touched upon earlier, the Patriots’ defense has started to figure it out, despite some key injuries. They pride themselves on eliminating the opposing team’s biggest threat. I believe that the biggest threat on the Raiders is Amari Cooper. That means that Michael Crabtree and Jared Cook will need to play their best games to take advantage of some matchups in the vulnerable Pats secondary. It’s simply a matter of how much you trust Derek Carr. Carr has been battling injuries all year and has already surpassed his INT total from a year ago. Their absence of a legitimate run game combined with Amari Cooper’s inconsistency has made Carr’s season a bit of a nightmare.

Defensively for the Raiders, I think they have a disaster waiting in covering Rob Gronkowski. Rookie Safety Obi Melifonwu may be tasked with covering him in only his 2nd career game. Gronk already mossed a 1st round safety earlier this season in Jamal Adams, and I can see it happening again and again and again on Sunday.

Atlanta Falcons (+3.5) @ Seattle Seahawks

There are some rumors circulating about Kam Chancellor’s injury that rhyme with “reason sending.” Richard Sherman is already out for the year with an achilles injury. Earl Thomas should be back, but isn’t confirmed to be playing yet. The Legion of Boom has become the Legion of Doom.

Last year, the Falcons and Seahawks squared off twice, once in the regular season and again in the NFC Championship Game. Julio Jones totaled 13 catches for 206 yards and 2 TDs. That was primarily against Richard Sherman. Now he’s going to be up against Jeremy Lane, the CB that was traded to Houston two weeks ago but failed his physical, so he was sent back to Seattle. This banged up Seattle secondary allowed Larry Fitzgerald to catch 10 passes for 113 yards thrown by Drew Stanton last week. Soooo get used to this:


The Falcons will likely be without Devonta Freeman, but I would argue that Tevin Coleman has been the more productive RB on this team this season. He’ll get 20+ touches and always has big play potential. Austin Hooper is in a good spot as well against the dinged up secondary. The Falcons have great depth in all offensive positions and their defense is starting to come alive as well. Adrian Clayborn recorded 6 sacks last week alone! The team itself has recorded 26 sacks this season while only allowing 15. And, despite only coming away with 2 INTs so far this season, the Falcons have allowed only 219 passing yards per game. On the other side, the Seahawks offensive line woes have continued, as they have allowed 23 sacks this season. You know that Clayborn, Vic Beasley Jr, Brooks Reed, and Takkarist McKinley are licking their chops.

The Seahawks will get Eddie Lacy back, but that doesn’t matter. They can’t run the ball. Instead, Russell Wilson has been relying on making plays like this all year:

Against an underrated Falcons secondary, Wilson’s luck may run out, and I think that the Falcons win outright in a bit of a shootout.



** CFB Picks **

TCU @ Texas Tech (+6.5)

Texas @ West Virginia (-3)

Arizona State (-7) @ Oregon State

Missouri (-9) @ Vanderbilt


No Kenny Trill for TCU against Kliff Kingsbury’s high scoring offense = problematic. It’s Will Grier deep ball SZN. Oregon State = bad. Drew Lock is the most underrated QB in college football.



I’m off to warmer lands for Thanksgiving. Maybe I’ll write a Thanksgiving special if I need to get away from la familia for awhile. If all goes well this weekend, you can splurge on a nice 22 pound turkey. If not…..well there’s always rum ham.


NFL Week 10 Picks


Deliberation, cogitation, rumination. Three words that I looked up that mean thinking deeply about something. Which is exactly what I didn’t do last weekend. I checked out the NFL, NCAAF, and Breeder’s Cup lines and went with the ole gut. And the ole gut did not disappoint. Now it’s time to go back to back like the cover of Lethal Weapon. Or like Jordan ’96-’97.


Los Angeles Chargers @ Jacksonville Jaguars (-4.5)

Leonard Fournette made sure he was on time for everything this week after being suspended last week for being late to picture day.

That means that Fournette is a week fresher than he would be with a chip on his shoulder. The Chargers already give up 135 rushing yards per game. Did somebody say 200?

There are some alarming stats by the Jaguars that make me think that this game will be a blowout. One is that the Jaguars only give up 183 passing yards per game. Jalen Ramsey, Telvin Smith and AJ Bouye are the truth. The Jags D also has recorded 35 sacks compared to only giving up 11. The Chargers have a few studs in Melvin Gordon and Keenan Allen, but man this Jags D is something else.

The Jaguars have employed the Bears school of thought in shielding their problematic QB with pounding the rock over and over and over. But unlike the Bears, this strategy has been highly effective due to Leonard Fournette. He has the size and speed to control the clock and completely wear out a defense over the course of a game. Blake Bortles has limited his turnovers this year and has proved to be competent enough to get the ball to Marqise Lee and Allen Hurns when need be. Chargers CB Casey Hayward is good enough to pretty much eliminate one of those receivers, so it’ll be up to whoever he isn’t covering to make some big plays. I think the Jags roll here.

Pittsburgh Steelers (-10) @ Indianapolis Colts

The Colts are a shitshow from top to bottom. Nobody knows what’s going on with Andrew Luck, they just released Vontae Davis, and they flat out refuse to feed the best RB on their team; Marlon Mack. The Colts give up 113 yards per game on the ground plus 293 in the air. This is an explosion spot for the limousine ridin’, jet flyin’, kiss stealin’, wheelin’ and dealin’ Steelers.

That’s fortunate news for the Steelers, as they give up over 100 yards per game on the ground but have been surprisingly stout defending the pass. Joe Haden has been incredible since joining the team late in the preseason. When TY Hilton is bottled up, the Colts have nobody to give the ball to.

On the other side of the ball, Le’Veon Bell and Antonio Brown combine for about 225 scrimmage yards per game. Ben Roethlisberger has shaken the cobwebs and has finally started to look like the Big Ben we’ve known for a decade. The Killer B’s are back in action and the Colts won’t even be a speed bump as they coast to 7-2.

New York Giants (-2.5) @ San Francisco 49ers

If the 1-7 Giants play the 0-9 49ers and nobody watches it, did it ever really happen? Just because nobody is going to be watching the Toilet Bowl isn’t a reason to not bet the shit out of the game, however.

The Giants still have something that resembles a defense (at least on paper) and despite reports that Ben McAdoo has all but lost the locker room, these Giants defenders still have to put out good game tape for future contracts. It certainly helps that Pierre Garcon is out for the season, and that the 49ers will be running with CJ Beathard again.

The Giants are coming off a bye which means that they had an extra 7 days to draw up plays against the winless 49ers defense that allows 135 rushing yards a game, and a staggering 16 passing TDs compared to their 6. That means an extra week to set up plays for Evan Engram, Sterling Shepard, and Orleans Darkwa. Assuming Eli Manning doesn’t go full Eli, this should be a generally easy victory.

New England Patriots (-7.5) @ Denver Broncos

Tom Brady and Bill Belichick off of a bye headed into Denver to face a depleted Broncos team. Need I say more?

The Broncos just got DISMANTLED against the Eagles last week. The Eagles were without Zach Ertz yet they were still able to hang 51 on what was supposed to be one of the best defenses in the NFL. I know my philosophy is to treat each week as if it were Week 1 of a new season, but that kind of result is something that you can’t completely ignore.

The Patriots match up to the Eagles very similarly offensively. They both employ a committee of RBs that have at least one person who can pound, catch, run fast, or block. They have skills guys on the outside that can win 1-1 matchups. And they have dominant TEs that are too fast for LBs and too big for DBs. The Patriots matchup to the Broncos just as good, if not better than the Eagles do, and they just won by 28.

The Patriots D may be a notch below the Eagles, especially with some key injuries in their front 7. Luckily for them, Brock Osweiler will be on the 1s and 2s again this week.

Although…..although….although…..Brock has been in this situation before:


That was the Patriots’ 1st loss of 2015. That of course was the catalyst for the Broncos Super Bowl run, albeit on the arm of Peyton Manning. Crazier things have happened, but I do not think Brock comes even close to mirroring his performance from November 30, 2015.



** CFB Picks **

NC State (-3) @ Boston College

Iowa (+12) @ Wisconsin

West Virginia (+1.5) @ Kansas State

Florida Atlantic (-4.5) @ Louisiana Tech

Notre Dame @ Miami (+3.5)


Road team week. NC State can ball. Iowa proved that they can hang with the best. Will Grier is Tim Riggins if he played QB. Lane Kiffin is a G. And Convicts > Catholics.



Ask any gambler, any real gambler. It doesn’t matter if you win by an inch or by a mile. Winning’s winning.


NFL Week 9 Picks

Halloweekend was tough. I dressed as Money Manziel for the 5th year in a row and I took it a little too literally.


Instead of maybe holding back and saving up a little bit, I’m gonna get right back on that horse (Gunnevara) and crawl back inch by inch. Let’s get after it:


Tampa Bay Buccaneers @ New Orleans Saints (-7)

Drew Brees at home. Hammer it hammer it hammer it. The Saints are in a shootout in seemingly every game at home since like 2008. They are now going up against a Buccaneers secondary that gives up 280 yards per game as well as another 111 on the ground. Brees and Michael Thomas are bound to explode, and he’ll be even more open than usual with Ted Ginn Jr taking the top off of the defense. Ginn has stolen the #2 role from Willie Snead/Brandon Coleman and his speed always commands the opposing defense’s respect.

The Saints also have one of the best RB duos in the league in Mark Ingram and Alvin Kamara. They exceeded expectations so much that they essentially kicked future Hall of Famer Adrian Peterson out the door.

And for the first time in forever, the Saints have some pieces that resemble actual solid defenders:

Marshon Lattimore, the 11th overall pick in the 2017 draft, will have his hands full against one of the most skilled and physical receivers in Mike Evans. Unfortunately for Evans, Jameis Winston still won’t be 100% this week.

The trouble with a shoulder injury is that Jameis is one big hit away from re-aggravating it. Also it may be hard for him to throw the ball 40+ times in what looks to be a shootout. That means late game turnovers as Jameis suffers beyond the usual wear and tear. If Doug Martin can run the ball efficiently and limit Jameis’ passing attempts while controlling the time of possession, then the Buccaneers have a chance at winning/covering.

Denver Broncos (+7.5) @ Philadelphia Eagles


ALL ABOARD THE BROCKETSHIPPPPP!!! Not really though. Will Brock Osweiler come back to his 2015 form? Time will tell. If Emmanuel Sanders returns, he, Demaryius Thomas, Bennie Fowler, and AJ Derby are solid weapons that can get the job done as long as Brock has a halfway decent game.

The Eagles have been rolling, but they lost Jason Peters two weeks ago and haven’t been able to fill his spot since. They allowed 3 sacks last week against an atrocious 49ers D Line. The Broncos have somebody by the name of Von Miller, who already has 7 sacks this season. The defense as a whole has 17 sacks and 21 tackles for a loss.

The Eagles acquired RB Jay Ajayi last week, but he is expected to only take limited snaps, if any at all. Until he’s a full time RB, the Eagles won’t have a true run game. That means that Carson Wentz will have to rely on his arm to win against one of the best secondaries in the NFL in Aqib Talib and Chris Harris Jr. They should gobble up Alshon Jeffery, Nelson Agholor, and Torrey Smith with relative ease. The key on offense for the Eagles of course is TE Zach Ertz. When he and Wentz are rolling, the whole team starts rolling. If the Broncos can find a way to neutralize, or at least hold Ertz to a 5/55/1 line, they have a good chance to cover in a low scoring affair. Also Brock Osweiler needs to not suck. Take this pick with a grain of salt.

Washington Redskins @ Seattle Seahawks (-7.5)

The Redskins announced that everybody will be out on Sunday:

The Seahawks have won 4 straight including the game of the year last week against the Texans. Russell Wilson threw for 452 yards, and Doug Baldwin and Jimmy Graham only accounted for 93 of them. He has a full arsenal of weapons and even a healthy Josh Norman won’t be able to handle them. The one knock on the Seahawks has been their lack of a run game. This week, they seem to be planning on giving Eddie Lacy a chance:

They should just run cool shit with JD McKissic but who am I to say. On defense, Earl Thomas is going to be a game time decision. If he can’t go, Vernon Davis suddenly becomes the Redskins’ most dangerous weapon. If all your stock is in a 33 year old TE, your team is in some serious trouble.

I think the Seahawks D has a big game and Doug Baldwin explodes.

Oakland Raiders (-3) @ Miami Dolphins

The Dolphins basically just mailed it in last week, trading Jay Ajayi for future draft picks. Ajayi was their best weapon, and even he couldn’t find the end zone this season. That leaves Kenyan Drake and Damien Williams in their backfield, two unproven but decently skilled RBs. The Dolphins average only 13 points per game and are now relying on a Jay Ajayi-less offense led by paycheck collecting Jay Cutler.

The Raiders stumbled into Buffalo last week during the 1:00 slot, but this is a Sunday Night game. Last time they were on a nationally televised game, Amari Cooper caught 11 balls for 210 yards and 2 TDs in what is the early favorite for upset of the year. I think big play Amari comes back and the Dolphins offense sputters as they try to figure out who is good enough to even handle the ball.

Detroit Lions (-2.5) @ Green Bay Packers

Matthew Stafford just lit up the first ranked secondary of the Pittsburgh Steelers for 423 yards last week on SNF. He now heads into Green Bay to face the 24th ranked secondary over the past 4 weeks. Golden Tate and Marvin Jones Jr are healthy and looked solid last week. TJ Jones has been phenomenal in Kenny Golladay’s absence. Ameer Abdullah and Theo Riddick haven’t gotten their show on the road yet this season, but they remain a threat nevertheless.

The Packers secondary is not good, and they of course don’t have Aaron Rodgers this season. Brett Hundley has a completion percentage of 52.5 with 1 TD and 4 INTs. If he could throw the ball, you’d call him a dual threat guy, but throw the ball he cannot. The Lions have a top-10 secondary, so you can chalk up another INT or 2.

Get used to seeing this, fellas.



***CFB Picks***

Penn State @ Michigan State (+9.5)

Auburn @ Texas A&M (+15)

Clemson (-8) @ NC State

LSU @ Alabama OVER 48.5


Oh, and Gun Runner is gonna win the Breeder’s Cup. But toss some cash on Gunnevara too, just in case.


There you have it folks, NFL, CFB, and Horses. Call me a rogue employee from Twitter because I’m about to shut it down.

Let’s Talk Stranger Things

Unless you’ve been living in the Upside Down, you’re aware that Season 2 of Stranger Things released last weekend. Me, being the prudent person I am, watched that shit in one sitting while recovering from Halloweekend.

Coming into the season, this is what we wanted to see:

The Squad Back Together


Mike and Eleven


Joyce and Hopper


Jonathan and Nancy


Here’s what we sure as shit did NOT want to see:

The Motherfucking Cocksucking Demogorgon:






Tommy and Carol


(Tommy and Carol were Steve’s two asshole friends that had about 6 lines in Season 1 but were always up to no good.)


Our wish came true almost right away as the whole squad was at the Arcade minus Eleven. It was there were we met Keith, who was the bearer of bad news that Dustin’s Dig Dug record was taken down.


Keith is a weird looking fucker with permanent Cheetos fingers who apparently rents out the managers room for tweens to “keep things PG.” He also used the squad as pawns to pimp out Nancy to him for a date to no avail.

The person that defeated Dustin’s Dig Dug record ends up being Max, who I’m pretty sure is Shaun White’s mother. Her stepbrother Billy (Zac Efron’s dad?) was quickly introduced as the douchey, possibly racist, Cali-bro with a lead foot and a zest for classic rock.


We later met Bob, who was giving Joyce the business in the projection room above the auditorium.


The first episode is nearly finished without any sight or mention of Eleven. Until, Hopper goes into a small cabin in the woods and knocks on the door in morse code. Alas, we see that Hopper has taken in Eleven as his own, which is touching considering his loss of his daughter, Sarah, as seen in Season 1.

The squad then gears up for Halloween in Ghostbusters costumes and Mike and Lucas fight over who gets to be Venkman, Bill Murray’s character. Mike had wrongly assumed that the only black squad member, Lucas, would be the one to dress up as the only black Ghostbuster, Zeddemore. As the duo are arguing about it and Mike is trying to dance around the obvious reason why Lucas should be Zeddemore, Dustin interrupts as he realizes that they’re the only people in school dressed up for Halloween. That’s one of everybody’s worst nightmares; being the only one not to get a memo about dressing up for school. I wore some outlandish shit in my day to high school, and there was always that “what if…” thought in the back of my mind.

#tbt football practice on Halloween @robfiamengo

A post shared by trevozza (@trevozza) on

Meanwhile Eleven dons a sheet and begs Hopper to let her go trick or treating. Hopper refuses to let her out of the house but promises to be home nice and early with a bunch of candy.



We need to talk about Tina’s party. Billy California is shown defeating Steve’s keg stand record with a 46 second heater on a goddamn school night! Meanwhile Nancy is getting shithoused while feeling guilty about Barb’s death. We’ve got people making out all over the house, furniture getting drawn on, and a whole lotta boozin’. All I know is that Tina can throw the fuck down on a weeknight.

And how about Toga Dude just screaming about “MORE FUEL” in the punch:


Live fast and die young, Toga Dude:


Nancy drunkenly tells Steve that “it’s all bullshit” and they unofficially officially breakup. Who else is there but Jonathan to save the day and slowly and awkwardly rekindle their relationship.

The next day at school, Nancy comes stumbling in yelling at Steve for not driving her to school and making her late. What nerve! Steve has a basketball game to win, and Billy California is making him look silly with some retro between the leg layups. He then drove into Steve and told him to set his feet and take the charge. Then Billy California dropped the ole Von Miller on Steve:


Somewhere along these lines, Dustin finds the slug thing that Will spit into his sink at the end of Season 1. None of them know that this “Poliwog” is what it was, or is going to be, and Dustin thinks that he’s made some ground breaking discovery. While Max is kind of in the squad because of Dustin and Lucas’ infatuation with her, Mike is adamantly against it. She has to stay outside while Dustin shows the squad his pet, Dart. Max picks the lock as soon as Dart starts to become evil and suddenly Dart is running amuck the school. As the squad breaks up to find Dart, Eleven breaks all 3 of Hopper’s rules and ends up at the school as well. Joyce quickly traces a masterpiece from the video footage from Will’s Halloween and finds that the shadow monster is in fact ‘real’ and races to the school at the same time.

Mike and Max finally have a civilized conversation for once and bond over Max’s skateboard when Eleven sees them through the gymnasium doors. We think finallllly these two birds are gonna see each other again. Nope, Mike gets lost in the sauce and Eleven makes Max pay:


The rest of the squad makes dumb decisions of their own. Dustin finds Dart and hides him in his hat and then lies about losing him again. Everybody lets Will run off alone again. It’s like going out in an unfamiliar place with a friend who’s a wanderer (me). If he’s not within eyesight it’s too late.

Will goes into the Upside Down and foolishly takes Bob’s advice from when they were talking in the Bobmobile. Will screams at the shadow monster to leave him alone, and instead of listening the shadow monster enters Will’s mouth for what felt like 15 minutes. Will’s in the middle of a field seizing and Max, being the only person not knowing what’s going on is like what the fuck are you people.

Eleven returns home and fights with Hopper. When Hopper goes to take away the TV, Eleven comically makes it stay put with her telekinesis. When he unplugs it, all hell breaks loose and Eleven’s scream damn near ruins the place.

Nancy and Jonathan get abducted in a creepy scene at a park and are taken into Hawkins Lab. They are subtly threatened about spreading the truth about Barb and are shown some of the powers that the Lab obtains. As they leave, Nancy pulls out a tape recorder which seemingly indicts the Lab for murder, amongst other crimes. They then go off the grid and find themselves in a parallel situation from last season:


After another awkward night of who’s going to make a move, neither of them do and they head over to see the residential conspiracy theorist that was hired to investigate Barb’s death. The conspiracy theorist thinks that he can work with what he heard and proceeds to get Nancy and Jonathan a little drunk and tells them to figure it the fuck out. Jonathan finally ends up coming to Nancy’s door in the middle of the night and the rest is history. The conspiracy theorist asked “how was the pull-out?” during breakfast, which damn near made everybody choke including myself.

Dustin comes home to his mother worrying that their cat was missing. Dustin goes to check on Dart and……


Dustin has made a tragic mistake.

Will is back at home and has become a host for the shadow monster. His body temperature is down to unnatural levels because “he likes it cold.” As it turns out, the shadow monster is using Will as a spy, so whenever Will knows where he is, the shadow monster will know as well. Joyce gives Will his crayons and he subconsciously drops page after page of what looks like nothing. Finally, Joyce, Mike and the squad piece it together and figure out that it’s some sort of map. It’s finally Bob that comes in and realizes that it’s a map of Hawkins. Hopper previously went on a solo mission and was attacked by the vines in an underground tunnel. Once Bob uses some Boy Scout skills to pinpoint where Hopper should be, they go out and find him.

Meanwhile Steve and Dustin start one of the more unlikely buddy cop scenarios as they continue their search for Dart. Steve tells Dustin that he uses Farrah Fawcett hairspray for his hair, and threatens to kill Dustin if he ever tells anybody.


Eleven escapes again after reading some files about her mother found in Hopper’s basement. She meets ‘Mama’ who is fucked up because of Hawkins Lab but Eleven is able to communicate with Mama through Mama’s old memories. She sees herself as a small child with another girl. She escapes from Mama’s house and ends up meeting the other girl from the memory, Kali, or Eight. She then joined this unconvincing street kinda vigilante gang that could’ve been cool but was kinda corny. She left them after learning that Papa may still be alive to return home to save her friends. At least she got her new “bitchin'” look:


Mike, Hopper, Joyce, Bob, Will, and the doctor are at Hawkins Lab and end up locked in the surveillance room when shit starts hitting the fan. Demodogs have taken over the building and it is now in lockdown mode, meaning that there’s no way in, or out. As they’re trapped inside, Nancy and Jonathan show up at the front gate, and Steve rolls in through the woods with the rest of the squad. The gang inside the surveillance room realize that they need to manually reset the system….4 floors beneath them. Bob is the only person that knows how to do so, but he’s also the least likely to fight off a Demodog. Hooper gives him a gun and bids him adieu, and Bob is actually able to manually reset everything, allowing Hopper, Joyce, Mike and Will to escape. The doctor decides to stay in the surveillance room to help Bob escape as well. Bob makes it out to the front lobby despite multiple Demodogs behind him, and for some reason decides to stand instead of sprint to the final door 15 feet in front of him. Sure enough, Bob gets devoured by a pack of Demodogs.


The inside gang meets up with the squad at the gate just in time and they all speed off to Will’s house. They realize that he’s the shadow monster’s spy so they throw him in their shed and disguise it so he doesn’t know where he is. Hopper realizes that Will is tapping morse code on his chair instead of speaking. “CLOSE GATE” is what he ends up saying. That means that that gate into the other dimension has to be closed, and then the shadow monster and all of it’s inhabitants will die. But that means that Will will die, as long as the monster is inside him. As they’re all pondering what to do, their phone rings, and Will recognizes the sound. The Demodogs are heard in the distance, and getting louder.

The whole squad gears up with everything from machine guns to slingshots, and right when it sounds like they’re surrounded by the Demodogs, there’s silence. Then Eleven strolls in through the door looking like younger, beardless Barry Melrose. Just the person they need to close the gate! Mike gets pissed at Hopper for concealing Eleven from him for 353 days. He called her every day! Ryan Gosling says “that’s it?”


The buddy cop show continued as Dustin made Steve stash the Demodog in the fridge. Dustin of course didn’t help yet complained that Steve was taking too long.


After that, everybody had their plan. Joyce, Nancy, and Jonathan were going to sweat the shadow monster out of Will at Hopper’s cabin. Hopper was going to take Eleven to Hawkins Lab to close the gate once the shadow monster was out of Will. Steve…..was going to babysit. The squad hatched a plan to go into the tunnel to draw attention away from Hopper and Eleven, but Steve was having none of it. Babysitter of the year. All was going well until Billy California showed up, after he was reamed out by his dad for losing Max.

Billy California insinuated that perhaps some funny business was going on with Steve and his sister, when Steve lied about her being in the house and he spotting Max peeking through the window. The two finally fought after 9 episodes of tension. Billy damn near killed Steve, until Max jumped in with a needle to Billy’s neck, and a spiked bat right underneath the crotch.

Real quick, holy shit I though Billy California was about to put the moves on Nancy and Mike’s mom. And how worthless was the dad!? Dude slept through 1,000 doorbell rings and nearly got cucked right before his very eyes! Also, “I didn’t know Nancy had a sister” is the smoothest line in the world. I’ve pulled that one out a time or two and you’ll never see a mother blush faster I swear.

Next thing we know Steve is waking up in a car driven by 12-13 year old Max. No longer babysitter of the year. The squad is geared up with gasoline and limited fire-retardant equipment. They all head into the tunnel and set up the diversion. Dart then shows up and Dustin feeds it a 3 Musketeers. Of course the one Demodog on watch in the tunnels is Dart. Suddenly the squad hears 100 more Demodogs somewhere down the tunnel. Steve pushes up Max, Mike, and Lucas, and is helping Dustin as they all show up. At the same moment, Eleven and Hopper start closing the gate, hearing that Operation Cabin Fever 2 was a rousing success.

Eleven was closing the gate with Hopper alongside her when all the Demodogs show up. Hopper goes American Sniper on those fuckers while Eleven went dual nostril bleed on the haters. The shadow monster tried to sneak in to their side of the gate but Eleven remembered the lesson she learned from Eight about using her anger as a weapon and sealed that shit.


Eleven saved humanity yet again. Next up was the Snow Ball. The doctor managed to forge a birth certificate for Eleven to become Jane Hopper, but suggested that they continue to lay low for at least a year.

Fast forward to the Ball, and the squad is standing in the corner like a bunch of chumps. Nancy is there chaperoning and handing out cups of PURE FUEL. Lucas comes in guns hot and hits the dance floor with Max, therefore winning the battle with Dustin over Mad Max’s heart. Some tall girl approaches the remaining three and asks “Zombie Boy” Will to dance, who clumsily accepts. Dustin, looking fresh as hell with Steve’s hair tips, confidently approaches a group of girls and asks one of them to dance. He gets denied, again and again and again. Nancy finds him crying on the bleachers and then brings him out to the floor. Suddenly all the girls that denied him were looking at Dustin like he was the cock of the walk. Mike’s sister! Dustin’s a dog!


That leaves Mike, alone and visibly bored. But then look who shows up……


Everybody awkwardly makes out and all is right in the world.


……or is it.



There it is. Hope you killed one of the many hours we have to wait until Season 3 comes out. Until then, try to stay in this dimension.

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